Tag: robs_world

Pity Party Closed Down

wp-1484928101125.jpgSo, I’ve recovered from my pity party of last week, see I’m Still Sober, Barely.  And now I am finally back to vigilant about the principles that have kept me in Recovery for nearly a year: Acceptance, Gratitude, Now, Spirituality, Mindfulness.

I was transferred from the kitchen to babysitting the gym, but I also have a half-time position working with retired Vets in the retirement facility, which is great!

I also bought a mountain bike, which was one of my goals.  Let me tell you, riding it from the store just about a mile and a half was killer!  Those guys cruising all around here make it look easy, lol.  I am definitely going to have to build up my stamina before I go and ride to work 4 miles each way.

I went to my first local NA meeting with another member who lives in one of the apartments in the building.  He seems like a nice guy.  We went out to dinner after the meeting with a bunch of folks; some of whom were quite, uhm, colorful.  I will be attending another meeting this evening.

I also applied for a full-time position at the VA.  It is in the kitchen doing prep work. While it is certainly not my dream job, It would at least get my foot in the door and allow me to transfer to any VA in the country.  Because folks, I am so ready to leave the state of Massachusetts; you’ve no idea!

I probably will never like the shitty view from my front porch, but overall the house is fine, my room is large and quiet.  So am more than satisfied with my living conditions as they stand.

For once in my life I have some goals I want to achieve.  I am proud of the fact that is has taken me less than two weeks to achieve some of the goals I set.  Some of my larger, more long term goals, will obviously take more time and determination.

And finally I have been blessed with the best friend anyone could ever hope for.  She has been with me through thick and thin.  I have developed incredibly powerful feelings for this woman.  I feel quite sure that we will end up living a life of true happiness together!  She has taught me how to be a very good friend.

That may sound silly to some of you, but those of you who have been with me since last October, know that this is a very big step in my Recovery.

So, back on track.  Living life.  Doing the right things.  Walking hand in hand with the best human I’ve ever known.  Ya, life isn’t so shabby today.

I’m Still Sober–Barely

wp-1484928101125.jpgWell tomorrow will be one week since I left the VA Treatment Center in Brockton, and landed in this Transitional House in another part of the state.  I wish I could say things are just ducky but they are not.

First of all, this is not the rural location I was hoping for; far from it.  The huge house I live in, it’s got 4 3 floor apartments in it, sits squarely on a residential street lined with houses.  No lawns, hardly a tree, just houses sitting on top of each other.  I live on the third floor, in a fairly spacious room at least.  However, it is 100 degrees up there constantly and I wake up sweating profusely on a regular basis.

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Then there’s the new VA.  It is over 100 years old.  The buildings are beat up.  They decided to build the -ugliest outside tunnel system around the interior perimeter, destroying any charm the campus once had.  And there is wifi only if you can find it.  This enrages me.  I have found a few choice locations to stand in, but forget walking and texting, not happening.  They also take smoking outside ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THREE SMOKE SHACKS, very seriously.  I have already been spoken to twice by VA Police.

And no longer am I helping paralyzed veterans go through their days.  No more muffin conversations with my friend Jim.  No more post office runs for Ken.  No more bedside visits with the Sergeant Major.  No, nothing special like that.  Instead, I get to empty a dishwasher in the kitchen.  I have to be there at 6:15 in the morning, ungodly hour.  I am there for 9 hours, but I get two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch.

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My actual work time is about 3 hours.  The rest of the time I am thinking of various ways to pull the eyes out of my head.  It’s not the actual job that sucks–though it sucks indeed–it’s the down time that is murderous.  And remember, there is no WiFi, so I have to duck out and hide if I want to text my dear friend.  The friend who has been my rock through this entire ordeal.  The friend who, without, I am not sure I would still be sane.

And let’s talk about the town.  Ah yes, the town without an identity.  This is the most fucked up town I have ever seen.  On the one hand you have lots of college students. Then you have the soccer mom types strolling out of Stop N’ Shop with their go green grocery bags.  Then you have a large community of lesbians which make this town their home.  The place has no real identity, it’s hard to explain it to you unless you saw it. You would immediately know what I am talking about here.

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The downtown is a hodgpodge of weird, useless shops.  There are way too many restaurants and not enough pizza and sub shops.  The other side of main street is rundown, with empty lots, deserted buildings and car dealerships.  It’s about as depressing of a place as I have ever known.

And the trees and grass and woods and lakes and ponds?  Nowhere to be seen.  Everyone was like “Oh man, it’s so beautiful out there!”  Really?  Where the fuck did it go?  I am being totally serious when I tell you that I nearly cried as I was being driven to the house from the VA on that first day.  I felt like I did the first day I landed in Basic Training, in the pouring deluge of rain that night, thinking “What the hell did I just do?”

So ya, you might be noticing a severe lack of gratitude and acceptance.  And, to be quite honest, right now I am so overwhelmed at the shitty aspect of ALL of my move, that those have gone by the fucking wayside.  I couldn’t get lucky in just one aspect of this move?  Decent town?  Decent Job?  Decent VA?  Decent neighborhood? Decent environment?  NO NO NO NO NO.  Add to that I left the few friends that I had behind, lost my regular psychiatrist and I lost my dear therapist Molly.  Ya, I’m going through a tough time that kind of took me by surprise.  But I am still sober!

Sorry my first post in awhile is this, but that’s where I am at.  If it wasn’t for me digging really deep, and having the best of friends anyone could ever hope for, I’d be in deep shit.  As it is, I have  mist of depression that is creeping in.  And, if this mist turns into a fog, acceptance and gratitude are going to be the least of my problems.

(FINE, HERE’S A FEW POSITIVES:)

  1. I just found the computer room which is decent.
  2. The Wifi works in my room.
  3. Dunkin’ Donuts is 5 minutes away.
  4. I am still sober.
  5. I am not truly alone.

Happy now?  You probably are all wondering what the big deal is, I hope that some of you truly get this.  I am so sick of not catching a break.  So sick of nothing going my way.  Of course I am glad I’m not in jail in sober, but is that all I am going to be happy for in life?  Bullshit!  I want a higher quality of life, I deserve it.  I feel misled about what this place was, where it was and now I am stuck here.  Ya, I’ll make the best of it, but that’s not even my damn point.

Oh, and here’s what I get to look at to the right from my fancy new porch:

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Ya, not fucking cool.  And the view directly in front of me?  Ya, that sucks even more:

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Their Sorrow

delusion on justruminating mens blogLife is
but a show
for stars
the moon
and the sun.

Emotions are
for little kids
as they play
and run.

Love is
just a fairytale
from books
from poems
never to be won.

Living is
just a dream
from which
we never wake.

Feelings are
awful things
their pain
their sorrow
strong they ache.

Love is
but a fantasy
never a reality
never can partake.

Such Pretty Words

Written upon the occasion of  a gentleman completely misreading the nuanced words of a particular young lady.  Poor chap.  Sad tale, this one.

Oh this venom
upon his lips!
See how
coldly
down the back
of his throat
it slips.

Bled from the sun
a nectar he’s found
he swallows slowly
and suddenly
perplexed
he drops
dead on the ground.

Smoke and mirrors
Labyrinth for few
funfair funhouse
with equivocal words
lake waters illusory
cloak and dagger
through and through.

That faraway land
coy foreign way
words gamely penned
vaguely veiled ideas
a premise delusional
and so then
this swift decay!

His blood his tears
the snow they stain
his soul it dies
and will remain
ever and forever
dead with disdain.

Restless Repose

broken on justruminating mens blog
I am broken
my bones
will not endure
this sum of
memories
feelings
thoughts
under the
loveless sun
they are crushed.

Peer long
into this grave
this pit of
despair
this black permanence
no heart is
left there
snuffed out
by potentialities
by unrealities
all great illusions
die this way.

Deep is my
slumber
cold in my
chest it
suffocates me
entombs me
a gathered gloom
is frozen recompense
for all my
imaginations
hopes and delusions
now
put to sleep

I lie in
restless repose
rotting
no lover’s kiss
for me
nay
my woeful screams
are unheeded
unneeded
by anyone that
could matter
did matter
I’m forgotten
in this permanent
filth of despair.