Tag: redemption

I owe you all an apology.  As much as I have always prided myself on being up front and honest about my life–almost to a fault–I haven’t shared with you the essence of my afflictions.

I feel like I owe you an apology because I have always been truthful with you, and I feel as though I have been living a lie by not exposing my darkest issues and behaviors.

So, I think in the coming weeks I am going to have to find the fortitude to lay it all on the line.  Some of the topics may well alienate some of you away from my blog.  I have always prided myself on supposedly not giving a shit what people think.  Well, suddenly I am realizing that I must, because I am afraid to expose my ugliness to you.  Ultimately it is what I have to do.

Since I disagree with A.A.’s Step in which you are to make amends to those you have wronged as long as where to do so wouldn’t be harmful to them. I am going to make my amends to over 1,100 of you instead.  Besides, these folks don’t want to hear from me.  Some of them could care less whether I live or die.

I’ve been mulling this over all day.  I have come to the conclusion that I will not fully recover unless I disclose the exact nature of my wrongs.  To me, it’s just too safe and convenient to do it to one male human being in AA.  That seems to be a copout to me.  I’m willing to face my community with the truth you deserve.  I would be a hypocrite if I did not.

Some of my bleaker behaviors have to do with women.  Many of you, dear readers, are women.  So, if I am really going to be a truly transformed human being, then I will do it here.

I cannot control how you will react.  I cannot change who I was.  I had a lot of things going on in my life, no excuses though.  I will get into those with each post.  I do know for the first time in my life I am willing to be accountable for my behaviors.

Stay tuned…damn the torpedo’s!

If you haven’t read my Letter To My Ex, this post won’t make much sense.  I was married from 1991-1996.

Well, I got an email from her last night.  Ironic she chose Valentine’s Day to respond.  Of course, because I boycotting media yesterday, I didn’t get it until this morning.

Needless to say it was tremendously upsetting.  I can’t say I don’t deserve most of what she said, but still, it was very painful, and sorrowful to read; especially where she mentioned that my oldest son, Nick, was somehow injured in the Marines.  She never even at least contacted me to tell me.

As you know I do not hold back.  So I am entering the content of her email below.  Two things that are completely inaccurate:  I never misrepresented whether I was working or not–if I said I wasn’t working and I was, The Department of Revenue would have seized my checks in 2 seconds flat.  Secondly, I do not have a felony record.  Anyway, my plan is to write the boys and take it from there.  Here is her email:  The truth hurts in a big way

Bob,

Almost didn’t bother to respond but figured I would just to give you clarity. You stated I must’ve been surprised to see your name on the envelope, Your name Wasn’t on the envelope, I opened it not knowing who it was from.

Congrats on your sobriety. PTSD….that’s no surprise to me, you had the Worst most traumatic childhood of anyone I’ve ever known and all the sympathy I had for that allowed me to tolerate way too much abusive behavior from you.

I’ve seen your friend Sean Kennedy twice a year, he’d come into the restaurant with his girlfriend where I did a night job, he said you’ve always worked over the years and that when you said you didn’t have a job in court it was perjury a lie, you were working, but that’s old news, I also no longer work there for 2 yrs.

It’s refreshing to actually hear you acknowledge that you were an abusive jerk, however at this point in life, what’s it to me?

I’ve watched many episodes of Intervention and numerous times I’ve seen the addicts devastate the people’s lives emotionally and financially and then in the end it’s ,”Sorry” well sorry didn’t repair my credit for the last 20yrs, Sorry didn’t pay back my parents for the money you took and never gave back.

Bottom line I was a decent wife to you didn’t cheat, didn’t spend your money, did a great job of taking care of our kids, sacrificed 100% of my income for 20 yrs for them, and your past manipulations and bogus court accusations were a slap in the face to me to all the decent things I did for the kids. You say in your letter you want to make reparations, amends, well Matt’s in college and the divorce decree states that you’re responsible for half, so when you get on you feet in Pittsfield, feel free to kick in half of the unpaid tuition, Talk is cheap , actions speak louder than words, you want to help out that’s a perfect way to show you care.

At this point in life I don’t realistically see what role you’d have in my life, I don’t trust you, so you wouldn’t be a friend, keep in mind, it’s not living in the past, it’s called I have a very large protective wall around me and the kids due to being royally fucked over by you,emotionally and financially, why would I want to let a person who’s hurt me the most back into my life? What do I stand to gain from that?  You say you come drama free? That’s delusional, you have severe PTSD and Bipolar a serious mental illness, you have a felony record are homeless and expect me to believe you’re Drama free? You state in your letter that I’m the “ONLY ONE that can bridge the gap between you and the boys” that’s incorrect, they’re both adults and live here, if you want to write to them, then do so, I’m not responsible for repairing your relationship with them, you are. To say that indicates to me that you’re trying to feed my ego, “your the only one” as if I’m important, and needed, and it also implies guilt that if I’m decent I’d do that for you. I’m not obligated to do that for you I have no guilt about it.

Let me make it perfectly clear……….YOU cannot expect the person you screwed the most to be your advocate.  I feel no sense of obligation in taking on that role..

I was well aware that you tried to contact the boys via Facebook, over the years, Nick made me aware and he also stated that for about 4 yrs there was no contact at all.  Let me state that I do not want you to kill yourself, nor do I wish anything bad for you, but I can’t wish you well either, considering the past. The boys deleted their facebooks because at the time, Nick was fresh out of the military and Isis stated it was going to track down military and their families and kill them, it wasn’t that they closed it because of you.

The opposite of love isn’t hate,  because hate is a powerful emotion the other spectrum polar opposite of love,that faded long ago, the opposite of love is indifference.  That’s where I’m at with you today…..indifferent…..don’t care if you’re sober, living large, living shitty, living great, homeless, a millionaire, whatever, it’s not relevant to me. I feel bad for you I actually pity you, that you had a decent family and no longer have contact, I haven’t mentioned your name in 11 years, and don’t speak ill of you or positive of you. Emotionally I have a still pond and don’t want anyone throwing a rock in it, I haven’t had a good life, tremendous hardships , no emotional or financial security whatsoever. You say you’ve changed but people typically don’t , I knew a lot of people in college who did drugs and alcohol and didn’t fuck over other people, I think in the past you had a broken moral compass, don’t know how you’ve fixed that?

If you want to write to the kids, I won’t stand in the way,won’t rip the letters, but I’m not going to be your advocate, leave me out of it, you don’t have a relationship with me, the most I could manage would be maybe 4 yearly updates, and that’s only if the boys agreed, for the record Nick did two deployments to AFganistan, witness horrific things and has a PTSD diagnosis and physical injuries as well and functions w/ a full time job, so my sympathy  is now with him I’m going to take care of my son with issues before I’d consider helping you. I gave you all the sympathy  is the world back in the day, my primary focus has always been on the boys and always will be. For the record I did say to them to contemplate trying to forgive you because I raised them Catholic but that’s as far as I’m going with it. I’m not going to pressure them into anything, again, I don’t wish you anything bad, however at this point with 20or less years left on the planet I can’t say that I want to invest any amount of time in any kind of relationship with you. You can send letters to the boys, keep in mind I showed them your letter and they both didn’t feel the need to respond.

Just stating how I feel not interested in a back and forth pissing contest of negativity. Don’t wish you bad, nor do I wish you good luck, can’t manage it the past was too devastating on all levels, the only good thing about knowing you was getting two great kids out of the deal, Nick is the highest caliber of people and Matt’s a tremendous athlete, set a record nationwide for baseball, but more importantly is a true, kind wonderful person. If I die tomorrow they were my reason for living, I displayed unwaivering devotion to them, and will until my last breath.  You should be thankful that your kids had that kind of motherThat’s all. Peace. Jude

So, it’s been a full two weeks since I wrote my Letter To My Ex Wife.  In that letter I apologized for my behavior during our marriage.  I also pleaded with her to speak to my two 20+ year old sons, to see if they would consider talking to me or visiting with me.

I know the letter went to the right house.  I know that she probably read it, because I used an official looking V.A. envelope.  I didn’t write anything but her address on the envelope.

My oldest son, Nick (24) is in the Marines, so I thought she would think it was about him.  But I guess I can’t be 100% sure.

See, the thing is, I don’t feel I was so terrible that it justifies my kids hating me so much and not wanting to have any contact with me.  It really hurts me tremendously that they would just continue to feel this way after all these years.

I was a terrific father to them once I left the household.  I know that sounds odd, but I was so much better with them than when I was at home.  I never drank or was drunk in front of my children, not ever.

I took them hiking, fishing, on trips, swimming, etc.  I always hugged them and told them I loved them.  I always spent my visitation with them completely focused on them.  I was never distracted by phones, the computer, television.

I guess that’s why I was hoping some of that would creep over to them as they got older.  I haven’t seen them in over 10 years.  It is very difficult for me to accept that they do not want to see me, but I made many efforts through the years.

And today, I have to accept this possible outcome.  I will probably write another letter.  But for now, I am going to have to live with the silence.

If you don’t have the back story down, you might want to read my post from yesterday titled “My Recovery:  My Children.”  It will explain why I am writing this letter.

I have decided to share my letter to my Ex-Wife with you, because my blog is primarily about recovery–with poetry and music mixed in–and to exclude it would be disingenuous.

And, as always, I welcome all of your feedback, impressions, comments!  Even though this blog is about my recovery, it’s really about everyone’s recovery in some sense or another, isn’t it?

Dear Judy,

I can only imagine the look on your face when you saw my name on the outside of the envelope.  I just want you to know that I am hoping that my letter doesn’t seem intrusive to you.  But I had to write.

It’s been close to 10 years since we last had contact, I think.  I am not sure.  My brain doesn’t function as well as it used to.  I guess I will just cut right down to it.  We are not getting any younger and, now that I am in recovery, I am hoping that perhaps we could meet and discuss more of the content of this letter.

In May of 2016, after a few years of severe alcohol abuse and a mutually destructive relationship, I went to jail.  I served only 5 months, but that was all I needed to finally come to terms with the fact that I had to make some serious changes.  I could have come out of jail and gone right back to work for the dealership, but I chose to enter a V.A. Treatment Program and continue not drinking when I got out in October.

I then volunteered for the program I am currently in, a 3 month V.A. Residential Work/Treatment Program here in Brockton.  From here I plan on transitioning to a structured living VA Program in Pittsfield for another 6 months.  I have been clean and sober for over 8 months.  It’s the first time I have put more than 3 months sobriety together since I was 17.

I’m not writing you to blow my horn.  I just wanted you to know what I have been doing and the reason why I am contacting you.  Not only would I like to see if we can at least get past ancient history, I am hoping that you will consider speaking to Nick and Matt and telling them that I still desperately want to see them.

This may seem out of the blue to you, but in actuality–as you may or may not know–I’ve tried to reach them many, many times over the years until they finally shut me down from Facebook.  I know in your heart of hearts you know I’ve never stopped loving the boys. 

When I made the decision to leave them just with you, rather than split them unhappily between us, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I really did.  I saw the toll it was taking, sharing custody, especially as they got older.  They didn’t seem to want to visit me anymore.  Looking back, perhaps it wasn’t the best decision, but I made the decision and what’s done is done.  It was a very painful one that I did not make easily.

I know that none of what I am saying may matter to you.  And I do get that.  I am simply writing asking that you please at least tell them that I am trying to amend my ways.  I never got drunk in front of them.  I know in my heart of hearts I was a good father.  But we both know I was a t a serious disadvantage due to our contentious relationship.

Judy, I am sorry for the things I’ve said and done.  For my part, which was great, I did you wrong on so many levels.  I can never undo those things.  But as we both march onwards towards 60 (omg), I am hoping that we can somehow find a way to mend at least part of the fence.

I am not proud of what I did to you.  I was never really there for you.  Yes, we had some good times, but let’s face it:  I was a self-centered, self-absorbed, drinking, drugging, abusive man.  I may not deserve your forgiveness when it is all said and done.  I will have to live with that if that’s the case. 

But I truly am very sorry for my actions.  This is by no means as thorough an apology as I would like to discuss should you agree to see me.  If not, just know that I didn’t just get sorry about my treatment of you this year; it has bothered me for many years.

I finally want to say that I am not the man you married in 1991.  I have changed.  I have pure intentions and my desire is to only see what reparations I can make with you and the kids.  I am now is clean, sober, under medication for my Bipolar and PTSD (which I had no idea I had for many years).  I am learning about living like a decent human being who worries about other things and people other than himself for once.

This is one such instance.  Please talk to Nick and Matt and I am asking you once again to find it in your heart to ask them and encourage them to see me, or at least talk to me on the phone.  I bring no baggage to the scene.  I have no drama to cloud over their lives with.  I just want to know my sons.  I miss them terribly.  And you are the only one who can make that happen.

Sincerely,

Rob