Tag: nature

Raging Malice

ragingmalice

……….gale force winds announce the doom
…………………..portent of a dark and deathly gloom
…………………………..a maddening shriek of raging wind
……………………….howling terror the frightening din
………….rips great trees from the ground
….tosses the structures all around
………….raging malice haunting fright
………………twister spinning in the night
……………………….darkened clouds surging
…………….wind and rain merging
…..funnel of mighty hell
..tolls the death knell
…………terrors bloody ride
…………………..nowhere to hide
…………spinning away
…….from all that
…………..used to be
……..what we
…………called
………..this
………..life

Brief Reprieve

brief on justruminating men's blog

Cold haze
slow releases
from naked trees
long barren
austere
that squirrel
poised
on a
narrow fence
twitching precision
left right
abrupt and
February’s day
briefly kind
pithy benevolence
lets April play
transcendent
though brief
this reprieve
tenders
far distant
birds jubilant song
serene.

Elements Easing

elementseasing on justruminating men's blog

When swift wind is blowing
and birds free breeze the dale
my hopeless heart is lightened
gone the gloomy gale.

When sweet child is playing
and laughs full loud with glee
my mirthless mind is gladdened
gone the sorrowed sea.

When mauve moon is rising
and stars shine through the night
my shadowed soul is brightened
gone the bleary blight.

Joyous Love Stays

joyouslovestays on justruminating men's blog

Float flowing vale
bright sunny beam
beyond thick trees
dally in my dream.

Drift flowered field
sweet warming sun
beyond cool clouds
so colors do run.

Soar darkened dale
minds mystic kiss
beyond stark shade
such a perfect bliss.

Moon midnight high
freeze eternal gaze
steadfast hold night
so love joyous stays.

My Ruminations: Give Me Drugs

justruminating

So yesterday I saw the head Psychiatrist for the program.  We have been monitoring how I’ve been doing on 1,400mg of Lithium.

I reported to him that I was not doing all that well.  I’m just so bored.  No matter what I try to do I can’t seem to settle my thoughts and emotions.

As many of you may recall I started my Work Therapy job last week.  I am supposed to work around the vast grounds of the VA.  In just about two weeks, I may have worked all of three hours.  I hate going to it.  I refuse to wrap up a full 2 more months here going to a job where I sit on a couch and vegetate.

depression on justruminating men's blog

Also, I informed him, I am habitually borderline depressed.  I get up and instead of being happy and excited in recovery, I am tired, annoyed, aggravated and mildly depressed.  It hasn’t always been this way.  It has been just the past few weeks.  And, the more I try to fill that void, the emptier it seems to get; it’s infuriating!

I am desperately lonely.  I don’t have anyone I can really talk to.  Nor do I choose to talk to any of the guys here.  It’s like this constant river of muddiness flows within me.  Sure, I get moments of peace and satisfaction, you all know that.  But what I am talking about is a condition of being overall.

No matter how many meetings I go to.  No matter how much I focus on positivity, and acceptance, and gratitude.  No matter how much I write.  No matter how much I commune with nature, my general demeanor is shit.  I just don’t know how to find tranquility and peace.  Actually, I do, but sustaining it over an extended period of time escapes me.

psychiatrist on justruminating men's blog

Sooooo, Dr. Osser’s answer is to start me on another medication.  A medication that is supposed to combat Bipolar Depression:  Lamotrigine, I think it’s called.  I still don’t think I am Biploar because I have the absence of Manic Episodes–or so I believe.

I don’t get all this giddy, happy-go-lucky Manic affect he keeps describing.  I do get sad, lonely, angry, irritated, depressed, bored, hopeless, lethargic, apathetic, and tons more opposite emotions of mania.

But he’s the expert, and at this point I really don’t care what he puts me on, to be honest with you.  I just need to feel somewhat stable and less irritable, anxious, depressed, and all the other shitty emotions I constantly have been feeling.  I also told him I wanted to be removed from my job.

rum3

I want and put into the Gym job that just opened up due to one of the residents not coming back on Sunday.  In the last two weeks, three residents have bailed on the program.  And if I were to guess, at least two more look like they are borderline snap cases.

I’ll be damned if I am going to be one of them.  If I have to go on medication to stabilize my thoughts and emotions, then by God’s bring on the drugs!  Failure is not an option, and if I don’t get a bead on this, things are going to turn to shit in a hurry.