Tag: loss

Their Sorrow

delusion on justruminating mens blogLife is
but a show
for stars
the moon
and the sun.

Emotions are
for little kids
as they play
and run.

Love is
just a fairytale
from books
from poems
never to be won.

Living is
just a dream
from which
we never wake.

Feelings are
awful things
their pain
their sorrow
strong they ache.

Love is
but a fantasy
never a reality
never can partake.

Such Pretty Words

Written upon the occasion of  a gentleman completely misreading the nuanced words of a particular young lady.  Poor chap.  Sad tale, this one.

Oh this venom
upon his lips!
See how
coldly
down the back
of his throat
it slips.

Bled from the sun
a nectar he’s found
he swallows slowly
and suddenly
perplexed
he drops
dead on the ground.

Smoke and mirrors
Labyrinth for few
funfair funhouse
with equivocal words
lake waters illusory
cloak and dagger
through and through.

That faraway land
coy foreign way
words gamely penned
vaguely veiled ideas
a premise delusional
and so then
this swift decay!

His blood his tears
the snow they stain
his soul it dies
and will remain
ever and forever
dead with disdain.

Restless Repose

broken on justruminating mens blog
I am broken
my bones
will not endure
this sum of
memories
feelings
thoughts
under the
loveless sun
they are crushed.

Peer long
into this grave
this pit of
despair
this black permanence
no heart is
left there
snuffed out
by potentialities
by unrealities
all great illusions
die this way.

Deep is my
slumber
cold in my
chest it
suffocates me
entombs me
a gathered gloom
is frozen recompense
for all my
imaginations
hopes and delusions
now
put to sleep

I lie in
restless repose
rotting
no lover’s kiss
for me
nay
my woeful screams
are unheeded
unneeded
by anyone that
could matter
did matter
I’m forgotten
in this permanent
filth of despair.

I Want My Kids Back

childrenSo hello my dear readers.  I am still resting from writing and blogging.  I am not, however, resting from the purpose many of you are familiar with:  trying to reunite with the children I walked away from 11 years ago.

I am not one for very long blog posts; however, if you are to appreciate this particular post, some background information would be helpful.  If not, just read my letter to my sons in the scope of a father having had to let them go to be parented only by their mother these last 11 years and that they truly hate my guts.

First, here is a post I wrote explaining why I gave up my children in the first place:

MY RECOVERY:  MY CHILDREN

Second, I wrote a letter to my ex-wife requesting assistance and also apologizing to her for some of the things I put here through:

LETTER TO MY EX

Finally came her response email.  Quite a dramatic and impactful one.

MY EX WROTE BACK

And now, here is the letter I have drafted to my two sons.  I would love any feedback you have regarding this letter.  It was extremely difficult to write.  I am hoping it is as honest and as loving as it feels to me.  Thanks, and bless all of you.  I hope to be back sometime in April after I get settled into my new place.

THANKS TO ALL WHO HELPED ME AMEND THIS LETTER.  HERE IS THE NEW VERSION I WROTE WITH YOUR HELP, AND ALSO SOME MORE SOUL SEARCHING:

Dear Nick and Matt,

I decided to write this letter to both of you, as the message is the same. I am in a place in my life where I would like to–and am healthy enough–to see you. That has not always been the case. However, I feel it would be doing an injustice to explain everything on a sheet of paper. You deserve more than that.

You may be angry. You may be feeling like I abandoned you. You may be a little sad about the whole thing. You may not actually give a shit. Whatever you are feeling, I certainly do understand it. They are all valid emotions. I consider not keeping you in my life my greatest blunder. It has caused me great sadness. I have missed you terribly.

I am very sorry for any pain I have caused you. I thought I was making the best decision for you and your welfare. I regret making that decision as it has probably caused you tremendous pain. I missed a lot of important activities and events in your lives. I wish we could do it over, but that time has passed. Perhaps we can create new memories together.

I realize that the opportunity to be a dad may have passed. However, I am always willing to be that to you if that is what you wish. I would like to have you consider perhaps having me in your life in a different role if that is not a consideration. If there is a possibility, I would like a chance to show you that I can be someone you can trust and rely upon.

I have battled quite a few demons since we parted. I have PTSD, Bipolar 1 Disorder, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and am now just 10 months sober from drugs and alcohol. I was in no position to be an effective parent to you. These issues have affected me negatively throughout my life. They also had something to do with me being out of contact with you. But now I am sober, now I am at a healthy place, this is why I am contacting you today.

If you decide you don’t want to see me, my hope is that at least you will be able to try and get past any negative feelings I may have caused you so that you can be free to live in peace. Of course I do hope that you will be able to find it in your hearts to forgive me, and to consider at least talking with me. I might just surprise you! I can’t imagine the entire rest of my life without you in it.

We were Dad and sons once. I know you remember how much fun we used to have. How much time we spent in the woods exploring, hiking. Our trips to the White Mountains. Trying to defeat that damn game Kid Chameleon. Fishing, playing sports, the crazy fireworks, Christmas together, and so much more over your younger years. I’d like to create new memories with you. I have never stopped loving you. I always have, always will. I’m not here to convince you of that. I already know it to be true. I hope that one day I can prove it to you.

Here is my phone number. I hope to hear from you soon. If not, take good care of yourselves, and your mother. My phone number is 222-222-2222. My email is keatsj1964@gmail.com. Remember, whatever you decide, I respect and accept.

Love,

Your Father

A Cold White Door

coldwhitedoor

A cold white door
not in my home
one key
golden hope
not in her hand.

Oh the cold
pale room!
not in my dreams
who could have
known
not in my mind.

Outside
the vengeful
wind
blows angry
inside we’re
shuddering
touch of shaking fingers.

Estranged white folds
adorn white curves
and pressed against
the idea
we gasp.

Aged in a moment
too soon
the deception revealed
a parting gift
and a
parted loss
is all I know.