Tag: feelings

Restless Repose

broken on justruminating mens blog
I am broken
my bones
will not endure
this sum of
memories
feelings
thoughts
under the
loveless sun
they are crushed.

Peer long
into this grave
this pit of
despair
this black permanence
no heart is
left there
snuffed out
by potentialities
by unrealities
all great illusions
die this way.

Deep is my
slumber
cold in my
chest it
suffocates me
entombs me
a gathered gloom
is frozen recompense
for all my
imaginations
hopes and delusions
now
put to sleep

I lie in
restless repose
rotting
no lover’s kiss
for me
nay
my woeful screams
are unheeded
unneeded
by anyone that
could matter
did matter
I’m forgotten
in this permanent
filth of despair.

My Ruminations: Split Personalities?

justruminatingWell folks, I guess it’s time to introduce you to the three personalities that represent me.  Technically I don’t have Split Personality Disorder.  According to Freud, our psyches are structured into three parts  the id, ego and superego, all developing at different stages in our lives.

And, while he insisted that these are not parts of the brain, or any way physical, somehow my id and superego popped out of my head in the form of Robmoji and AnnaMoji.  You heard right, my id and superego are emojis!

Before I introduce them to you–some of you already know Robmoji–I want to give you a crash course in psychology 101.  According to Freud’s model of the psyche, the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories, the super-ego operates as a moral conscience; and the ego is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego.

Ego (Rob)–I

rob

The ego develops in order to mediate between the unrealistic id and the external real world. It is the decision making component of personality. Ideally the ego works by reason, whereas the id is chaotic and totally unreasonable (perfect description of Robmoji).

Often the ego is weak relative to the headstrong id and the best the ego can do is stay on, pointing the id in the right direction and claiming some credit at the end as if the action were its own.

The ego engages in secondary process thinking, which is rational, realistic, and orientated towards problem solving. If a plan of action does not work, then it is thought through again until a solution is found. This is know as reality testing, and enables the person to control their impulses and demonstrate self-control, via mastery of the ego.

I’m the one who has to live with these two. Over my 35+ years of addiction, I have been weak relative to the headstrong Robmoji and the best I’ve been able to do is stay on, pointing Robmoji in the right direction and claiming some credit at the end as if the action were my own.  But in recovery I am getting stronger and stronger and I am more willing to hand the reins over to Annamoji, because she really is the glue.

Id (Robmoji)–It

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The id remains infantile in it’s function throughout a persons life, and does not change with time or experience, as it is not in touch with the external world. The id is not affected by reality, logic or the everyday world, as it operates within the unconscious part of the mind.

The id engages in primary process thinking, which is primitive, illogical, irrational, and fantasy oriented. This form of process thinking has no comprehension of objective reality, and is selfish and wishful in nature.

Robmoji lives up to his reputation as id:  he’s impulsive, arrogant, sarcastic, disrespectful and lives for him and him alone.  So please, don’t ever take what he says seriously.

SuperEgo (Annamoji)–Above I

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The superego’s function is to control the id’s impulses, especially those which society forbids, such as sex and aggression. It also has the function of persuading the ego to turn to moralistic goals rather than simply realistic ones and to strive for perfection.

The superego consists of two systems: The conscience and the ideal self. The conscience can punish the ego through causing feelings of guilt. For example, if the ego gives in to the id’s demands, the superego may make the person feel bad through guilt. The ideal self (or ego-ideal) is an imaginary picture of how you ought to be, and represents career aspirations, how to treat other people, and how to behave as a member of society.

So, basically, we are all in a struggle to balance these different deeply rooted parts of our self.  Because of my childhood trauma, Bipolar Disorder I, Borderline Personality Disorder (thanks Robmoji), and alcoholism, my id and ego have suffered greatly.

Annamoji, my superego, has been the glue that has kept us together.  Therefore, I have decided she is the best one to tell my entire story through something she wants to call “Chronicles of Rob.”  Unfortunately, Robmoji is going to continue to be Robmoji. freud on justruminating men's blog

My Ruminations: I’m Sorry

justruminatingI owe you all an apology.  As much as I have always prided myself on being up front and honest about my life–almost to a fault–I haven’t shared with you the essence of my afflictions.

I feel like I owe you an apology because I have always been truthful with you, and I feel as though I have been living a lie by not exposing my darkest issues and behaviors.

So, I think in the coming weeks I am going to have to find the fortitude to lay it all on the line.  Some of the topics may well alienate some of you away from my blog.  fear on justruminating men's blogI have always prided myself on supposedly not giving a shit what people think.  Well, suddenly I am realizing that I must, because I am afraid to expose my ugliness to you.  Ultimately it is what I have to do.

Since I disagree with A.A.’s Step in which you are to make amends to those you have wronged as long as where to do so wouldn’t be harmful to them. I am going to make my amends to over 1,100 of you instead.  Besides, these folks don’t want to hear from me.  Some of them could care less whether I live or die.

I’ve been mulling this over all day.  I have come to the conclusion that I will not fully recover unless I disclose the exact nature of my wrongs.  To me, it’s just too safe and convenient to do it to one male human being in AA.  amends on justruminating men's blogThat seems to be a copout to me.  I’m willing to face my community with the truth you deserve.  I would be a hypocrite if I did not.

Some of my bleaker behaviors have to do with women.  Many of you, dear readers, are women.  So, if I am really going to be a truly transformed human being, then I will do it here.

I cannot control how you will react.  I cannot change who I was.  I had a lot of things going on in my life, no excuses though.  I will get into those with each post.  I do know for the first time in my life I am willing to be accountable for my behaviors.

Stay tuned…damn the torpedo’s!

accountable

My Ruminations: My Ex Wrote Back

justruminatingIf you haven’t read my Letter To My Ex, this post won’t make much sense.  I was married from 1991-1996.

Well, I got an email from her last night.  Ironic she chose Valentine’s Day to respond.  Of course, because I boycotting media yesterday, I didn’t get it until this morning.

Needless to say it was tremendously upsetting.  I can’t say I don’t deserve most of what she said, but still, it was very painful, and sorrowful to read; especially where she mentioned that my oldest son, Nick, was somehow injured in the Marines.  She never even at least contacted me to tell me.

As you know I do not hold back.  So I am entering the content of her email below.  Two things that are completely inaccurate:  I never misrepresented whether I was working or not–if I said I wasn’t working and I was, The Department of Revenue would have seized my checks in 2 seconds flat.  Secondly, I do not have a felony record.  Anyway, my plan is to write the boys and take it from there.  Here is her email:  The truth hurts in a big way

Bob,

Almost didn’t bother to respond but figured I would just to give you clarity. You stated I must’ve been surprised to see your name on the envelope, Your name Wasn’t on the envelope, I opened it not knowing who it was from.

Congrats on your sobriety. PTSD….that’s no surprise to me, you had the Worst most traumatic childhood of anyone I’ve ever known and all the sympathy I had for that allowed me to tolerate way too much abusive behavior from you.

I’ve seen your friend Sean Kennedy twice a year, he’d come into the restaurant with his girlfriend where I did a night job, he said you’ve always worked over the years and that when you said you didn’t have a job in court it was perjury a lie, you were working, but that’s old news, I also no longer work there for 2 yrs.

It’s refreshing to actually hear you acknowledge that you were an abusive jerk, however at this point in life, what’s it to me?

I’ve watched many episodes of Intervention and numerous times I’ve seen the addicts devastate the people’s lives emotionally and financially and then in the end it’s ,”Sorry” well sorry didn’t repair my credit for the last 20yrs, Sorry didn’t pay back my parents for the money you took and never gave back.

Bottom line I was a decent wife to you didn’t cheat, didn’t spend your money, did a great job of taking care of our kids, sacrificed 100% of my income for 20 yrs for them, and your past manipulations and bogus court accusations were a slap in the face to me to all the decent things I did for the kids. You say in your letter you want to make reparations, amends, well Matt’s in college and the divorce decree states that you’re responsible for half, so when you get on you feet in Pittsfield, feel free to kick in half of the unpaid tuition, Talk is cheap , actions speak louder than words, you want to help out that’s a perfect way to show you care.

At this point in life I don’t realistically see what role you’d have in my life, I don’t trust you, so you wouldn’t be a friend, keep in mind, it’s not living in the past, it’s called I have a very large protective wall around me and the kids due to being royally fucked over by you,emotionally and financially, why would I want to let a person who’s hurt me the most back into my life? What do I stand to gain from that?  You say you come drama free? That’s delusional, you have severe PTSD and Bipolar a serious mental illness, you have a felony record are homeless and expect me to believe you’re Drama free? You state in your letter that I’m the “ONLY ONE that can bridge the gap between you and the boys” that’s incorrect, they’re both adults and live here, if you want to write to them, then do so, I’m not responsible for repairing your relationship with them, you are. To say that indicates to me that you’re trying to feed my ego, “your the only one” as if I’m important, and needed, and it also implies guilt that if I’m decent I’d do that for you. I’m not obligated to do that for you I have no guilt about it.

Let me make it perfectly clear……….YOU cannot expect the person you screwed the most to be your advocate.  I feel no sense of obligation in taking on that role..

I was well aware that you tried to contact the boys via Facebook, over the years, Nick made me aware and he also stated that for about 4 yrs there was no contact at all.  Let me state that I do not want you to kill yourself, nor do I wish anything bad for you, but I can’t wish you well either, considering the past. The boys deleted their facebooks because at the time, Nick was fresh out of the military and Isis stated it was going to track down military and their families and kill them, it wasn’t that they closed it because of you.

The opposite of love isn’t hate,  because hate is a powerful emotion the other spectrum polar opposite of love,that faded long ago, the opposite of love is indifference.  That’s where I’m at with you today…..indifferent…..don’t care if you’re sober, living large, living shitty, living great, homeless, a millionaire, whatever, it’s not relevant to me. I feel bad for you I actually pity you, that you had a decent family and no longer have contact, I haven’t mentioned your name in 11 years, and don’t speak ill of you or positive of you. Emotionally I have a still pond and don’t want anyone throwing a rock in it, I haven’t had a good life, tremendous hardships , no emotional or financial security whatsoever. You say you’ve changed but people typically don’t , I knew a lot of people in college who did drugs and alcohol and didn’t fuck over other people, I think in the past you had a broken moral compass, don’t know how you’ve fixed that?

If you want to write to the kids, I won’t stand in the way,won’t rip the letters, but I’m not going to be your advocate, leave me out of it, you don’t have a relationship with me, the most I could manage would be maybe 4 yearly updates, and that’s only if the boys agreed, for the record Nick did two deployments to AFganistan, witness horrific things and has a PTSD diagnosis and physical injuries as well and functions w/ a full time job, so my sympathy  is now with him I’m going to take care of my son with issues before I’d consider helping you. I gave you all the sympathy  is the world back in the day, my primary focus has always been on the boys and always will be. For the record I did say to them to contemplate trying to forgive you because I raised them Catholic but that’s as far as I’m going with it. I’m not going to pressure them into anything, again, I don’t wish you anything bad, however at this point with 20or less years left on the planet I can’t say that I want to invest any amount of time in any kind of relationship with you. You can send letters to the boys, keep in mind I showed them your letter and they both didn’t feel the need to respond.

Just stating how I feel not interested in a back and forth pissing contest of negativity. Don’t wish you bad, nor do I wish you good luck, can’t manage it the past was too devastating on all levels, the only good thing about knowing you was getting two great kids out of the deal, Nick is the highest caliber of people and Matt’s a tremendous athlete, set a record nationwide for baseball, but more importantly is a true, kind wonderful person. If I die tomorrow they were my reason for living, I displayed unwaivering devotion to them, and will until my last breath.  You should be thankful that your kids had that kind of motherThat’s all. Peace. Jude

 

My Ruminations: Letter To My Ex Wife Follow Up

justruminating

So, it’s been a full two weeks since I wrote my Letter To My Ex Wife.  In that letter I apologized for my behavior during our marriage.  I also pleaded with her to speak to my two 20+ year old sons, to see if they would consider talking to me or visiting with me.

I know the letter went to the right house.  I know that she probably read it, because I used an official looking V.A. envelope.  I didn’t write anything but her address on the envelope.

My oldest son, Nick (24) is in the Marines, so I thought she would think it was about him.  But I guess I can’t be 100% sure.

See, the thing is, I don’t feel I was so terrible that it justifies my kids hating me so much and not wanting to have any contact with me.  It really hurts me tremendously that they would just continue to feel this way after all these years.

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uncle bob (r.i.p.), unt sue, me (100lbs extra ago!), half-sister Jesse, Matt (now 22), Nick (now 24)

I was a terrific father to them once I left the household.  I know that sounds odd, but I was so much better with them than when I was at home.  I never drank or was drunk in front of my children, not ever.

I took them hiking, fishing, on trips, swimming, etc.  I always hugged them and told them I loved them.  I always spent my visitation with them completely focused on them.  I was never distracted by phones, the computer, television.

I guess that’s why I was hoping some of that would creep over to them as they got older.  I haven’t seen them in over 10 years.  It is very difficult for me to accept that they do not want to see me, but I made many efforts through the years.

And today, I have to accept this possible outcome.  I will probably write another letter.  But for now, I am going to have to live with the silence.