Tag: drinking

Decision Time

I’m Still Sober–Barely

wp-1484928101125.jpgWell tomorrow will be one week since I left the VA Treatment Center in Brockton, and landed in this Transitional House in another part of the state.  I wish I could say things are just ducky but they are not.

First of all, this is not the rural location I was hoping for; far from it.  The huge house I live in, it’s got 4 3 floor apartments in it, sits squarely on a residential street lined with houses.  No lawns, hardly a tree, just houses sitting on top of each other.  I live on the third floor, in a fairly spacious room at least.  However, it is 100 degrees up there constantly and I wake up sweating profusely on a regular basis.

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Then there’s the new VA.  It is over 100 years old.  The buildings are beat up.  They decided to build the -ugliest outside tunnel system around the interior perimeter, destroying any charm the campus once had.  And there is wifi only if you can find it.  This enrages me.  I have found a few choice locations to stand in, but forget walking and texting, not happening.  They also take smoking outside ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THREE SMOKE SHACKS, very seriously.  I have already been spoken to twice by VA Police.

And no longer am I helping paralyzed veterans go through their days.  No more muffin conversations with my friend Jim.  No more post office runs for Ken.  No more bedside visits with the Sergeant Major.  No, nothing special like that.  Instead, I get to empty a dishwasher in the kitchen.  I have to be there at 6:15 in the morning, ungodly hour.  I am there for 9 hours, but I get two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch.

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My actual work time is about 3 hours.  The rest of the time I am thinking of various ways to pull the eyes out of my head.  It’s not the actual job that sucks–though it sucks indeed–it’s the down time that is murderous.  And remember, there is no WiFi, so I have to duck out and hide if I want to text my dear friend.  The friend who has been my rock through this entire ordeal.  The friend who, without, I am not sure I would still be sane.

And let’s talk about the town.  Ah yes, the town without an identity.  This is the most fucked up town I have ever seen.  On the one hand you have lots of college students. Then you have the soccer mom types strolling out of Stop N’ Shop with their go green grocery bags.  Then you have a large community of lesbians which make this town their home.  The place has no real identity, it’s hard to explain it to you unless you saw it. You would immediately know what I am talking about here.

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The downtown is a hodgpodge of weird, useless shops.  There are way too many restaurants and not enough pizza and sub shops.  The other side of main street is rundown, with empty lots, deserted buildings and car dealerships.  It’s about as depressing of a place as I have ever known.

And the trees and grass and woods and lakes and ponds?  Nowhere to be seen.  Everyone was like “Oh man, it’s so beautiful out there!”  Really?  Where the fuck did it go?  I am being totally serious when I tell you that I nearly cried as I was being driven to the house from the VA on that first day.  I felt like I did the first day I landed in Basic Training, in the pouring deluge of rain that night, thinking “What the hell did I just do?”

So ya, you might be noticing a severe lack of gratitude and acceptance.  And, to be quite honest, right now I am so overwhelmed at the shitty aspect of ALL of my move, that those have gone by the fucking wayside.  I couldn’t get lucky in just one aspect of this move?  Decent town?  Decent Job?  Decent VA?  Decent neighborhood? Decent environment?  NO NO NO NO NO.  Add to that I left the few friends that I had behind, lost my regular psychiatrist and I lost my dear therapist Molly.  Ya, I’m going through a tough time that kind of took me by surprise.  But I am still sober!

Sorry my first post in awhile is this, but that’s where I am at.  If it wasn’t for me digging really deep, and having the best of friends anyone could ever hope for, I’d be in deep shit.  As it is, I have  mist of depression that is creeping in.  And, if this mist turns into a fog, acceptance and gratitude are going to be the least of my problems.

(FINE, HERE’S A FEW POSITIVES:)

  1. I just found the computer room which is decent.
  2. The Wifi works in my room.
  3. Dunkin’ Donuts is 5 minutes away.
  4. I am still sober.
  5. I am not truly alone.

Happy now?  You probably are all wondering what the big deal is, I hope that some of you truly get this.  I am so sick of not catching a break.  So sick of nothing going my way.  Of course I am glad I’m not in jail in sober, but is that all I am going to be happy for in life?  Bullshit!  I want a higher quality of life, I deserve it.  I feel misled about what this place was, where it was and now I am stuck here.  Ya, I’ll make the best of it, but that’s not even my damn point.

Oh, and here’s what I get to look at to the right from my fancy new porch:

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Ya, not fucking cool.  And the view directly in front of me?  Ya, that sucks even more:

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Goodbye Misery Goodbye Hell

wp-1484928101125.jpgIt’s hard to believe that I am celebrating my 11th month of sobriety!  I mean, in a way it is not, I have been doing the work and staying the course.

However, when I look back at where I was 11 months ago, trying to escape the grips of misery and hell, I could never imagined that my life would turn out so good!

I will be transitioning to a much more lenient Transition House on the 24th, about 2 hours away from this godforsaken city they call Brockton; the worse place I ever lived.  The place of all my troubles.  Walking out of the VA everyday to go the store, I was constantly reminded of my old life.  No more, I will be in a remote part of the state, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

I was reflecting recently on what has gotten me to this point in my Recovery.  And at this point it is Recovery.  To me, Sobriety is getting sober, Recovery is staying sober.  I have a very close friend who has done more for me in my Recovery than anyone.  You know who you are.

I may not have told you this.  I want you to know that your strength and determination in your own life are inspirational to me in my life!  I only hope that I can give you 1/10th of what you have given me!  I value your friendship tremendously, so thank you so very much for you!

I might have posted these things a bit back, but I wanted to share them with you again.  Because, for me, in addition to having someone truly special in my life, it really comes down to these 5 things:

Gratitude:  Being humble and grateful for what I have.  Not concentrating on what I do not have.  Being grateful for others and showing them gratitude for being in my life.

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Acceptance:  Being at peace with how things are.  Being able to appreciate when I cannot control a particular situation.  More importantly, accepting those around me for who they are, and accepting myself; even if I falter, as long as I continue to try to be and do better.

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Mindfulness:  Being aware of my emotions and controlling them.  Avoiding extreme highs or lows.  Being aware of the situations I find myself in and making good decisions.

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Spirituality:  Still seeking my ultimate Higher Power, but at least seeking!  Right now I concentrate on meditating, to tap into my inner spirit.  I take walks to spend time with nature, the ultimate Higher Power.  I am reading books which are leading me deeper into the essence of life, of people, of myself.

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Now:  Spending as much time in the present moment.  Avoiding a future that has not come, and a past that is no longer.  I sometimes visit them, for practical purposes, but work diligently to stay in the moment.  That is all I have, is Now, and I am doing the best I can not to waste it.  By doing this I remain calm and in control.

And that’s it!  I believe firmly that as long as I do what I can to remember these principles, I cannot fail.  I have had no desire to drink, no urge to drink.  I know what will happen if I drink.  It is no longer an option for me, it is no longer a part of my life!

There is hope for those of you still suffering, or for those of you who know someone who is suffering!  If I can do it for the first time in 35 years, I know in my heart that anyone can do it.  Goodbye to misery, and goodbye to hell!

Pocket Rehab: Spiritual Evolution

pocketrehab on justruminating men's blogPocket Rehab An App based community for those struggling from addictions, and mental illness. I love their inspirational quotes on Instagram!

They also have a cool app you can get from ITunes HERE. Get help 24/7, journal, find meetings, forum & more!

Pocket Rehab: Decisions

pocketrehab on justruminating men's blogPocket Rehab An App based community for those struggling from addictions, and mental illness. I love their inspirational quotes on Instagram!

They also have a cool app you can get from ITunes HERE. Get help 24/7, journal, find meetings, forum & more!