Yet in solemn winter, beauty must end
And the singing of birds sure fades away
No longer in thick leaves to sit and lend
A joyous tune to the children who play.
So all the color from the world does fade
So swiftly the land becomes just one hue
Thus under the snow sweet flora is laid
The color and splendor taken from view.
Grasped so swiftly, and shaken to death
All that is lovely and warm on this earth
By the abject rue of cold winter’s breath
Still truly I say there still is much mirth:
For in my heart true, I sing soft and coo,
Thankful refrains of this joy that is you.
This is a follow up to my post about my friend turned lifelong love! 7 days ago I left her and my heart at the Security Checkpoint at Bradley International Airport. And so, once again, she is over 3,665 miles away!
This girl who quietly began her blog of personal growth, journey, and discovery last February. This girl who I happened upon one chance December day. This girl who captivated me with her zest for nature and life. This girl who I read and quietly, somewhere in the universe, we were nudged closer and closer together.
I’m not going to sully this profound experience with my words. I am not going to carry on about love and soulmates and destiny and past lives and fate. I am not going to try to even begin to describe emotions, feelings. I sometimes get frustrated when I attempt to write her poems; they seem so bitterly inadequate. That is why there are only a few poems about her on my blog, and they are only ones written when I thought I had lost her.
No, I am not going to do any of that. I did want to post about our visit. She blessed me with a visit from August 28th-last Sunday. Put it this way, I define my nearly 54 years on this planet this way now: Life before Bec and after Bec.
Here’s the greatest joy I have experienced in my life:
we crunched froot loops together while making fun of the guy who couldn’t keep the breakfast nook stocked because he kept going back and forth with just one item at a time and we ate lots of pizza and chocolate and chips and Cheetos!
we visited a thrift store and took our first selfie–which she swore she would never take–in an overstuffed chair.
we fished for over 6 hours together. And she stayed because she loved it too, not just because she knew I love fishing.
we were on our way to Walmart and in-between the hotel and the road was a small section of nature. We stopped to take pictures and ended up spending over 2 hours there. Ironically, out of over 50 pics, when we shared what we thought our favorite pic of each other was, we selected the one of each other we took simultaneously on that day!
we watched What Dreams May Come and Excalibur her favorite movie and one of my very favorite movies…because we said that was what we wanted to do months before.
we learned our loving…slowly, quickly, subtly, obviously, kissed so passionately we banged teeth and lips like junior high kids
we went to my aunts which was epic for Bec to meet my most important person in my life…and I took my mother’s ashes back in a ziploc bag…where they remain on my nightstand.
we held hands, hugged, held, touched, kissed, slept together, woke together
we made peanut butter and nutella sandwiches and ate lunch at a pond behind Bass Pro Outlets and took pictures of nature and each other
we found out we both snore…she a lot less and a lot more quietly than me!
we ate pizza, and wendy’s and cumberland farms sandwiches that terrorized me for almost a day
we had candles lit all over two different hotel rooms and explored our sexuality, and kept the keycards
we talked and whispered and laughed and smiled and grinned and smiled some more
we drove–well she did all the driving, and she was almost a great driver except for a few minor brushes with disaster–through four different states!
we explored the Boston aquarium and I saw through her eyes the beauty of a place I had long ago dismissed, and both took WAAAAAAY too many pictures of fish trapped in glass, then I introduced her to Mike’s Pastry in the North End and we took pictures in the Old North Church where they did not actually place a lantern in to warn the British Are Coming!
we laid around in bed, took naps, lay in each other’s arms and passed the time doing nothing
we laid on a stretch of grass between two fast food restaurants–after she completely missed the turn into the restaurant–because we remembered we wanted to lie on the grass and look at the clouds together
we visited my astonished Probation Officer because I told him we would and visited the VA where I fought for over two months–and 4 disapproval’s before I got the Director of the VA to approve the extra time to spend with her–a legendary battle between man and the system, and visited Chris, the Patient Advocate who helped me win the battle
she bought me and her an angel coin, which I carry in my pocket with my other recovery coins, and she bought us matching rings that reminds me every time of the purity of what we share and the magnitude of the gift that is her and US
I cooked burgers and chicken kabobs for her and snuck into my room and took pictures and I finally got to give her all the cards I bought for her and almost made the flower-pot bald outside the hotel room and got her coffee and cold water and ice
So, yeah, it’s hard for me to write about our emotions and how I feel about her in a typical way. And you know what sucks? I’m leaving a million things out, but I think you know. If you don’t, your heart is made of brick lol.
PS: we are missing the exact same tooth!
Thank you Bec…because you made everything possible. I thought I was so smart, thought I knew what love was. I didn’t know a damn thing until you showed me exactly what it feels like, what it is, to really love.
They need to put your picture in every dictionary in every language of YOU next to the word love…Ya, the circle is closed for sure…and I just thought of a name for our rings: they are our “Galaxy Rings” whatcha think?
16 months of sobriety and loving life that is life with BEC!
NEXT UP: Trip to Belgium
(part II of Through Everything)
Deep do not in a sadness stay
I will take back a dark day
If you ever feel misunderstood
I will listen until you are good
Oh feel not lonely at all with me
But I will always keep you company
Sure some nightmares might appear
With my magic they would disappear
You’ll have some time with depression
Though I’ll stop it short of oppression
At times life will be disenchanting
We will find new dreams for planting
Life exhausting surely can be
But you can borrow energy from me
If within you feel so fragile
Sit with me and we will love awhile
No doubt grouchy you will become
I can smile and not be glum
Maybe stress will get you
Then I’d do those things I do
If with life you’re surely bored
I’d entertain you so you’re floored
Should you lose your way in life
I’d map it out for you my wife
Doubt can come and cloud your view
But I will warmly reassure you
Normal to be of some things afraid
But I’ll shed light on them instead
If you need solitude awhile
I will part with a warm smile
And as I turn A kiss I’d send
And tell you I’ll be back my friend
Through all of this and more and more
This is what all of my love is for!
Your throne awaits your ascension oh my Queen! Aye, retreat to this immutable secretive place rise, yes come forth from your lethal darkness from shadows and bask in eternal rooted glory! Ruler of my emotions I beseech you to ardently stride swift into the light inhale the thunder of those fierce Four Winds drink full the rain extinguish the scorched fires of dreadful hell collapse the heavens swallow whole swift tides lay waste to delusive unsound beliefs so rise! Enter this kingdom of adoration created beyond the resilience of immense worlds abundant with sustenance, sated with such pure supplications construct from absolute permanence of creation from the fiery core of flaming desires domains enter! Revel devoutly in within depths of this absolute unassailable fortress, this cathedral of fixed fidelity, my revered temple built for the great majesty of your magnificence awaits! Monarch of these my affections Sovereign of my senses Eminence of my so determinate dominions take this gift take this my crown of devotions upon your golden brow and place it in totality upon the exquisite position of your conscience that you can forever feel its fervent purpose! Rise! Command the armies of your substance to seek this place to persevere to encamp to slay incertitude's woe so to rest peacefully within my awesome resolve, fix your cold fearful gaze your sweet temperament your disposition within this allegiance onto my purpose so your sullen sapphires can shine and burn brightly from the white lightning of my yet permanent reverence! Decree to your wandering souls to ravage their fears to convene so as to forever entomb bleak unease so forever to slay doubts vigilant fury decree "Come home, come home for verily he has surely created a constancy, such is his palace his citadel that ever hereafter I will rejoice in this haven of ardent veneration. That I may take my rightful place in this intimacy of his utterly indelible exquisitely fashioned love."
As the moon drifts and quiet as you lie
and howl of winter slips by the door
drift my sweet lady, do sleep and do sigh
writing such words, from my heart they do pour!
Fade and keep warm in the dark of your bed
swift will I share tender scent of your skin–
lilies compare not, through fields though they spread
to your smell and your charm source of my sin.
So ponder your dreams and when you awake
fresh as the new fallen snow in the dell
look South to my window, far past the lake
I sit here and write, of you and do tell:
My words are not meant for others to see
They worship your grace and your majesty.