55 Months Clean!
Today I celebrate 55 months clean and sober from alcohol and drugs. Double nickels. Twin 5’s. I look at my life now and am filled with gratitude at what I have. A loving wife. A beautiful 10-month old daughter who is the light of my world. I just published my first Poetry Anthology. There’s my beautiful home. Money in the bank.
I have lots of furnishings and belongings that I didn’t have on May 12th, 2016, the day I entered jail. Suffice it to say, I’ve spent a lot of money over the last 2 years amassing comforts of home and surrounding myself with antique books, and a respectable Stephen King collection.
When I left jail the sum of my belongings equaled about 4 medium sized U-Haul boxes. Mostly clothes really. I remember being pissed off at the time that all of my other things were taken away by my alcoholism. I missed a lot of days of work, so I would have to sell my beautiful watches. Collections of baseball cards. Jewelry. I fought with myself to get over being so mad for weeks. I finally did so.
It’s Only Stuff
Even after being on my own from November of 2017, until my wife arrived in-country in January of 2019, I amassed very little. Saving money was not something I was good at. My apartment was very modest. Most of it filled with donations from Veterans programs. There wasn’t even a t.v. until mid-2019. When my wife arrived I had very little to offer her. But, I don’t want to get ahead of MY STORY, since I am still writing it.
You are going to find this amusing: sometimes I get depressed thinking about how, when I die, I won’t be able to take my beloved belongings with me. Will my wife and daughter keep my library? What’s going to happen to my trinkets? I’ve actually made a list of the most important books I want them to keep in the family.
Books might one day become obsolete, so I want the written word in my family for as long as possible. Maybe it has everything to do with being afraid of being alone in death; without the comforts I have been able to surround myself with over the last few years. Maybe it’s the worry of being erased off the earth and someone else has my shit. Yeah, I don’t know why that is, exactly.
But being 55 months clean and sober isn’t just about reclaiming a stake in the world of possessions. Hell no. I have transformed my way of thinking. My way of doing things. The choices I make about how I want to be, act, feel. One of the most important components of my recovery is ACCEPTANCE. It’s one of my 5 Pillars of Recovery.
I no longer live each day pissing and moaning about all the small perceived injustices in life. News is not a part of my daily life. Everything is not a personal affront. I do not get caught up hassling with the minutiae of life. Acceptance has been the key to my success; of course in addition to my other pillars. But acceptance is at the heart of my recovery. The Serenity Prayer is at the core of my existence. I no longer have an attitude problem with people I perceive as inferior. I do not judge people anymore.
As a result of practicing acceptance, I am so much more at peace with myself and life. I no longer try to force life to bend to my will. That futility was fueled for years by my addiction. My addiction helped me to build giant walls within myself. Arrogance and abrasiveness ruled the day. It was how I kept people at bay.
Recovery is my greatest possession. Without it I would most certainly be dead or in jail. I am very proud of the fact that I have enjoyed 55 months of sobriety without relapse. I don’t buy into triggers because I keep the golden rule of my recovery always as the first line of defense: DO NOT PICK UP.
As long as I do not pick up, I know I can stay the course. But that just means I am sober. Living in true recovery means living a better way than I did before. It means coming to terms with the past. Letting go.
It means I don’t ruminate on the future while I waste away my present. The way I view the world and myself in it has changed drastically. I changed the habits I had formed from years of abusing drugs and alcohol. I changed the way I think, period.
Change For The Better
And you know what? Change is good! No longer do I live discontented. I am much more content and satisfied with my existence because I am no longer avoiding reality. Daily engagement of self-destruction has ended. Chaos no longer reigns supreme in my life. I accept life on life’s terms. It’s so much less exhausting than the way I was living before; always trying to control every variable within and without myself.
Without getting all caught up in other people’s way of being, in the experiences I was having–good or bad–and by simply living in the now and being present has made all the difference in the world. Many of my long-time readers know the level of importance I give to living in the present. Carpe Diem! It simplifies things when my mind wants to wander back into the misery of the past, or the unknown of the future. It allows me to be firmly grounded in the only time that I have: NOW!
To The Future Then
Today I am grateful for 55 months. Today I am content with my life. No, my life is not perfect, but it’s pretty damn close. By focusing on what’s before me I am able to keep a razor-sharp focus on gratitude and acceptance. I am able to take on what I need to take on without being overwhelmed or setting myself up for failure.
Staying in my own lane is a high priority for me now. I focus on my side of the fence. I try not to get caught up in social media. Not the news. Not the madness of the minions. Just my little world. With my beautiful wife and baby. I have a strength of resolve that is stronger than it ever was for any time in my life.
And you know what? It’s sustained. It is sustaining. I don’t have time to look for monsters under the bed. I o longer allow my childhood trauma to define me. Today is what defines me as a man; not the past.
And when my mind wants to play games with me and try to lead me into wonders of ruination and things said and done, I firmly fix my being in the present and simply accept with gratitude the new life I’ve been able to build because of my recovery.