Tag: Anger

My Miscellany: The Ex: The Final Words

wp-1485298089762.jpgWell, I thought I was finished with talking about the ex.  Apparently not.  But these WILL BE the final words she gets.

A poet friend emailed me today saying that my ex has been contacting her and telling her all kinds of wonderful things about me and our past.

REWIND:  My ex found out from a friend that I was running a gofundme campaign and that I had a blog.  The ex–with the help of some of her friends, carpet bombed me on the gofundme page and also on my blog until I figured out how to stop their being published.

That not being good enough, apparently the ex has decided she will blog about whatever she has decided to blog about, and to contact my followers.  I am very proud of the fact that I have stuck to my decision NOT to ever read a single word she types.  That part of my life is dead and buried.  Gone baby, gone.  I made it out.

buh bye

So, if you are contacted by the Ex, I am sorry in advance.  Also, I don’t need to defend who I am and what I am about.  I know how I lead my life, and who I am.  According to my poet friend the ex feels it her duty to warn all the women out here about me.  I could care less.  I addressed it once, and now it’s twice and DONE.

Just to be clear:

  • I am terribly sorry if you are harassed, you are grown enough to draw your own conclusions.  Apparently the ex is determined to tell “her” side of the story.
  • I do not blog to meet women.  If I want to meet women, I will do it locally, or on any number of dating sites for gosh sake!
  • I blog because I love to write and it is part of my recovery.  I have devoted a lot of my blog to “Passing It On,” a concept in AA that once you receive the gifts of recovery you “Pass It On”.  My life is an open book out here.
  • Please do not contact me about the ex.  I don’t need to know anything, I lived with her for 3 years, I know everything there is to know.

I have over 520 posts on my blog, and that’s just since Oct 20!  Of all those posts I posted two poems about the ex.  I have never said an unkind word, though I did illustrate pieces of my history there.  Here are my final words on this subject:

USED TO

A CALL TO ARMS

Dismissed

expunged on justruminating men's blogYou can now
never expunge me
banish me from
your view
delete me from
your life I
am the sentience
past and present
your decay
your debris.

I am blue skies
above you
frozen ground
below you
I possess you
own you
you are
inconsequential
irrelevant
negligible.

No, you can’t
expunge me
I refute you
I banish you
I delete you
your presence
is hereby
eliminated.

You were nothing
to me mere
dust blowing in
the wind
a frozen planet
I tossed around
for my amusement
I am the Alpha
and the Omega
baby.

You will never
eliminate me
the poison of
my presence
has stained
your heart
love can never
again satiate
your needs
your desires
your longings.

I gorge on stars
eviscerate worlds
from my view
drain oceans
level mountains
you are puny
and that is
immutable
that is
irrefutable
so undeniable.

Gaze long
with dread into
the abyss that
is your pathetic
life
wail and cry
choke on the
reality that you
can never erase
me
ever retrace me
never replace me.

My dear,
it is you who
is expunged
now blow away
you are nothing
your presence is
no longer required
you are
dismissed.

Fresh Torrent

fresh torrent justruminating men's blogCookie cutter words so
carefully cut and pasted
on me are simply wasted.

Their relevance defunct
so silent deaf and mute
someone else’s route.

This romances brevity
couldn’t even warrant
a freshly cut torrent.

Thoughts on you only
today are freshly writ
not from another’s skit.

Your cycle oft repeated
new color same game
please shame and blame.

Faded far from view
a barren desolate land
this love’s final stand.

Pain is public domain
burn your copyright
cliché it into firelight.

Blank page tattered torn
crumpled piss-stained
empty promises drained.

Program pre-recorded
tired hackneyed phrases
sung too long the praises.

“the lady doth protest
too much” said Hamlet
then she knew her fear
just ask Shakespeare.

The Power of Words

I Murdered Grief, I Slaughtered Rage

wp-1484928101125.jpgIn one of my groups here at the VA Treatment Center today, the topic was grief.  Not just grief for a lost loved one, but grief over many things in life that might have contributed to my alcoholism and my lack of appropriate coping skills.

As I sat there I drifted to my grief of the past 2 1/2 years or so; I was grieving over the loss of myself in that spiraling relationship.  Day in and day out, relentless in its destruction.  I was constantly reminded of my shortcomings, inadequacies, injustices, etc.  If it had to do with who I was, what I was, how I was, she suffocated it to death.

rageandgrief slayer on justruminating men's blogJust two examples:  She would rant that it was my fault my brother died because I let him take one more trip with his sled.   when she had no clue what she was talking about.  She blamed me for the abuse I suffered, telling me I probably enjoyed it.  Crushing.

My grief danced a dance of death with daily rage, disintegrating my will to be present.  My drinking matched my rage, which really was grief in disguise.  My self evaporated and went into full retreat, replaced instead with a body and a bottle.

Well now I have myself back.  I took it back almost the instant I left.  I took it back with a vengeance.   I haven’t had a drink since.  I let go.  I resolved my pain.  I became the slayer of grief and rage.  I murdered my grief.  I slaughtered my rage.  Strong words, but strong foes.  What was lost is now found.  This man’s cycle of addiction is broken.

I firmly believe that someway, somehow, we all must face the grief that is terrifying our minds or hearts.  We must do everything that is within our power to defeat it.  Easier said I know, but don’t let grief put one of your feet in the grave.  Fight with all your might; be the death of grief, or grief will be the death of you…