Retro Recovery: Why I Won’t Relapse
Recovery Retro features posts from my archives 2016-2017, my chronicles of recovery from alcoholism, mental health issues, and substance abuse. After 35 years of chaos, my life in several VA Treatment Programs was anything but boring. Join me as I share with you my most intimate posts about spirituality, living in the now, acceptance, gratitude, mindfulness, and the lessons I learned that keep me sober to this day.
|Published 12/02/2016 at 5:04 p.m. – Day 55 of Treatment|
In the 6 weeks I’ve been here at the Boston VA for Alcoholism Treatment in all the groups, therapy sessions, meetings, no one has ever asked us to list the ways that alcohol has negatively impacted our lives, or will impact our lives should we pick up again.
I think this is a missed opportunity. I think if we as recovering alcoholics/addicts had an exercise where we attempted to list many of the ways in which our disease has reared its ugly head, or how it will affect us if we do pick up again, that it might have some impact.
It might also be a good list to keep handle should I start thinking that I am ok to pick up again. I am pretty sure it would put me right back on the right path.
So here goes! This isn’t going to be pretty:
20 Reasons Why I Won’t Ever Drink Alcohol Again:
- I become a loud, overbearing, and obnoxious asshole.
- I have picked up the phone lots of times and bought other drugs.
- I ruined almost every single friendship I’ve ever had since college.
- Drunk dialing.
- Drunk driving.
- Defects of the mind and character. Suicide attempts.
- Financial ruin. I am homeless and poor.
- I will end up back in jail.
- Kids out of my life. (mainly an affliction of the exes poison. Yes, SHE owns that, I NEVER drank in front of the kids).
- I got kicked out of the military for an OUI in Germany, then subsequently tested positive for hash (Honorable).
- I got 2 USA OUI’s and have 2 years of jail time/probation hanging over my head.
- I have had over 60 jobs out of 48 years of eligible employment. Yeah, that one staggers me when I added them up.
- I destroyed, or have been involved in destroying 4 out of 5 of my significant adult relationships (of more than 3 years).
- Loss of major income. I have wasted umpteen thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.
- I cannot have just one. I have to close every place I go.
- Isolation, loneliness, depression, despair.
- High blood pressure, weight gain, physical exhaustion.
- Cost of car insurance, and installation of a breathalyzer in my car (which I currently don’t own).
- Instability, chaos, loss, depression.
- I will end up dead.
So there you have it folks: it ain’t pretty, but that’s my truth. And having just finished the list and reading over it, it staggers me and I have to take a moment to regroup. Not all my life has been that doom and gloom, lol. But for the most part it has not been pretty. I think tomorrow or Sunday I will post 20 Great Things I’ve Done In My Life, just so you don’t think I am a complete washout. I know you don’t think that, just sayin’.
Alcohol is a disease. Alcohol will swallow you whole, chew you up, and vomit you onto the cold hard pavement. It will do this over, and over, and over again. Alcohol got me so I ended up a lonely, isolate–but on the mend!!– poet blogging at a VA Treatment Facility on a Friday afternoon.
But a sober, lonely poet (wink).