Retro Recovery: Those Emotions
Recovery Retro features posts from my archives 2016-2017, my chronicles of recovery from alcoholism, mental health issues, and substance abuse. After 35 years of chaos, my life in several VA Treatment Programs was anything but boring. Join me as I share with you my most intimate posts about spirituality, living in the now, acceptance, gratitude, mindfulness, and the lessons I learned that keep me sober to this day.
|Published 01/15/2017 at 4:20 p.m. – Day 92 of Treatment|
So here I am again, stuck talking about my emotions. Lately, they have been negative. I feel irritable, frustrated, anxiety-ridden.
I am getting tired of listening to some of these guys talk. I know I should have patience and tolerance. But lately I just don’t have it.
I also mentioned in another post that I started a grounds keeping job on Monday. Well, apparently they don’t do much on the grounds: they spend most of the time off the grounds and off their feet in front of the tv in the maintenance building.
This in and of itself is not what is bothering me. What is bothering me is how am I going to kill 6.5 hours per day, 4 days a week, for the next two months? I’m frustrated there is no leadership, and I’m aggravated that I am trying to take the next step in my recovery and it’s a sham.
I also was just given 12 hours notice that the remainder of my meager belongings has to be removed from where they are tomorrow morning, or they will be thrown out. Thanks for the heads up guys!
I’m far enough along in my recovery that I know I have to get my head right. I know I should be doing something like meditation, reading, mindfulness, etc. But all I want to do is walk around pissed off. I have been this way for three days. I know that I have to somehow get out of the funk.
Even putting more energy into this blog is not shaking me out of it. Maybe I need to drop down on my knees and start praying. Hell, I haven’t the stomach for that kind of reality right now, but I am willing to try anything. At least I do know this much: battling with my emotions can sometimes feel like all out war! Drinking was a lot easier than this, I can tell you that!
I have to keep reminding myself that these emotions will pass. I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to be a prisoner to them. That I need to acknowledge the emotion and move on, acknowledge the emotion and move on. I can’t get bogged down with all these emotions.
I’m the master of my emotions, not the other way around. If I continue to let these emotions master me, and to control my behavior, serious trouble will follow. So tonight I will pray, and I will pray hard. I need to regain my mastery of my emotions before I find myself in real trouble.