This is a follow up to my post about my friend turned lifelong love! 7 days ago I left her and my heart at the Security Checkpoint at Bradley International Airport. And so, once again, she is over 3,665 miles away!
This girl who quietly began her blog of personal growth, journey, and discovery last February. This girl who I happened upon one chance December day. This girl who captivated me with her zest for nature and life. This girl who I read and quietly, somewhere in the universe, we were nudged closer and closer together.
I’m not going to sully this profound experience with my words. I am not going to carry on about love and soulmates and destiny and past lives and fate. I am not going to try to even begin to describe emotions, feelings. I sometimes get frustrated when I attempt to write her poems; they seem so bitterly inadequate. That is why there are only a few poems about her on my blog, and they are only ones written when I thought I had lost her.
No, I am not going to do any of that. I did want to post about our visit. She blessed me with a visit from August 28th-last Sunday. Put it this way, I define my nearly 54 years on this planet this way now: Life before Bec and after Bec.
Here’s the greatest joy I have experienced in my life:
we crunched froot loops together while making fun of the guy who couldn’t keep the breakfast nook stocked because he kept going back and forth with just one item at a time and we ate lots of pizza and chocolate and chips and Cheetos!
we visited a thrift store and took our first selfie–which she swore she would never take–in an overstuffed chair.
we fished for over 6 hours together. And she stayed because she loved it too, not just because she knew I love fishing.
we were on our way to Walmart and in-between the hotel and the road was a small section of nature. We stopped to take pictures and ended up spending over 2 hours there. Ironically, out of over 50 pics, when we shared what we thought our favorite pic of each other was, we selected the one of each other we took simultaneously on that day!
we watched What Dreams May Come and Excalibur her favorite movie and one of my very favorite movies…because we said that was what we wanted to do months before.
we learned our loving…slowly, quickly, subtly, obviously, kissed so passionately we banged teeth and lips like junior high kids
we went to my aunts which was epic for Bec to meet my most important person in my life…and I took my mother’s ashes back in a ziploc bag…where they remain on my nightstand.
we held hands, hugged, held, touched, kissed, slept together, woke together
we made peanut butter and nutella sandwiches and ate lunch at a pond behind Bass Pro Outlets and took pictures of nature and each other
we found out we both snore…she a lot less and a lot more quietly than me!
we ate pizza, and wendy’s and cumberland farms sandwiches that terrorized me for almost a day
we had candles lit all over two different hotel rooms and explored our sexuality, and kept the keycards
we talked and whispered and laughed and smiled and grinned and smiled some more
we drove–well she did all the driving, and she was almost a great driver except for a few minor brushes with disaster–through four different states!
we explored the Boston aquarium and I saw through her eyes the beauty of a place I had long ago dismissed, and both took WAAAAAAY too many pictures of fish trapped in glass, then I introduced her to Mike’s Pastry in the North End and we took pictures in the Old North Church where they did not actually place a lantern in to warn the British Are Coming!
we laid around in bed, took naps, lay in each other’s arms and passed the time doing nothing
we laid on a stretch of grass between two fast food restaurants–after she completely missed the turn into the restaurant–because we remembered we wanted to lie on the grass and look at the clouds together
we visited my astonished Probation Officer because I told him we would and visited the VA where I fought for over two months–and 4 disapproval’s before I got the Director of the VA to approve the extra time to spend with her–a legendary battle between man and the system, and visited Chris, the Patient Advocate who helped me win the battle
she bought me and her an angel coin, which I carry in my pocket with my other recovery coins, and she bought us matching rings that reminds me every time of the purity of what we share and the magnitude of the gift that is her and US
I cooked burgers and chicken kabobs for her and snuck into my room and took pictures and I finally got to give her all the cards I bought for her and almost made the flower-pot bald outside the hotel room and got her coffee and cold water and ice
So, yeah, it’s hard for me to write about our emotions and how I feel about her in a typical way. And you know what sucks? I’m leaving a million things out, but I think you know. If you don’t, your heart is made of brick lol.
PS: we are missing the exact same tooth!
Thank you Bec…because you made everything possible. I thought I was so smart, thought I knew what love was. I didn’t know a damn thing until you showed me exactly what it feels like, what it is, to really love.
They need to put your picture in every dictionary in every language of YOU next to the word love…Ya, the circle is closed for sure…and I just thought of a name for our rings: they are our “Galaxy Rings” whatcha think?
16 months of sobriety and loving life that is life with BEC!
With just over 14 months sober, I can honestly tell you life as I used to know it is dead and buried. Goodbye chaos. Goodbye troubles. Goodbye anxiety, exhaustion, worry. I know have peace of mind in my life. I can now approach difficult situations with a level head. I don’t get too up or too down.
I have a pause button–fuck I could have used that 36 years ago. So how did I do it? Why was it fairly easy for me to turn my back on booze and walk into “normalcy?” I am so glad you asked! I thought I would list five tips that have been highly effective in maintaining my recovery.
Control Those Emotions–When you are able to keep your emotions in check, the likelihood of you wanting to go out and bash your head into a bottle of vodka are slim. Never getting too up, or too down, an even-keeled approach to life keeps you stable and in control.
Nip It In The Bud–Life is going to deal you hand after shitty hand. If one of them gets out of control–resentments, problem with another human, depression, anxiety over a topic–nip it in the bud! Confront whatever situation is causing you instability and deal with it, asap! Burying emotions or situations is going to cause you problems as issues and situations build up.
Find What Works and Work It–Are 12 step meetings your thing? Perhaps your religion? How about meditation, reading, writing, singing, dancing, walking, hiking…you get the idea. Find what works for you and keeps you in that happy place and work it! Do it, and I mean frequently! Don’t go overboard, of course, but do the activities that give you pleasure, keep you grounded.
Meditate, Meditate, Meditate—Did I mention MEDITATE? I am guilty of not doing this as much as I should. But I will tell you, the benefits of meditation are so numerous, I am surprised it is not practiced in every school in this country.
Start off with just 5 minutes a day, then build up to over 30 minutes. You will thank me a thousand times over. My Youtube Channel has over 85 meditations you can choose from.
One Day At A Time–12 Step meetings may not be my thing, but boy are their slogans dead on! Yes, living each day for itself will keep you from biting off more than you can chew. It will keep you from languishing in the past, and worrying about the future. We only have today, embrace it and stay sober. JUST FOR TODAY. Want more great slogans? GO HERE!AND HERE!
Well, there you have it. There have been other things that have helped me stay sober, but these five principles have been my bedrock. They have been my go to ways of living and today I can honestly use the word happy in my vocabulary. What has kept you in recovery?
Deep do not in a sadness stay
I will take back a dark day If you ever feel misunderstood
I will listen until you are good Oh feel not lonely at all with me
But I will always keep you company Sure some nightmares might appear
With my magic they would disappear You’ll have some time with depression
Though I’ll stop it short of oppression At times life will be disenchanting
We will find new dreams for planting Life exhausting surely can be
But you can borrow energy from me If within you feel so fragile
Sit with me and we will love awhile No doubt grouchy you will become
I can smile and not be glum Maybe stress will get you
Then I’d do those things I do If with life you’re surely bored
I’d entertain you so you’re floored Should you lose your way in life
I’d map it out for you my wife Doubt can come and cloud your view
But I will warmly reassure you Normal to be of some things afraid
But I’ll shed light on them instead If you need solitude awhile
I will part with a warm smile And as I turn A kiss I’d send
And tell you I’ll be back my friend Through all of this and more and more This is what all of my love is for!
Hear my pledges my new love
On bended knee hear my pleas
Which I speak to you and God above
Let me put your heart at ease Never used will you be
Equal partners you and me Though hell may visit in the light
Together we can make it again alright I will toss you pillows when you fall
Take you in my arms while standing tall Be unreasonable and let it all out
I’ll patiently listen to what it’s about Should the storm of past abuse take you down
The constant wind of my love will blow all around And when you question the depth of my love
I’ll smile, hug you, and pray up above When the day imaginary war is at hand
I will take arms and side by side we’ll stand It hurts to think that you’d want to die
I’d show you life, insist on life and show why One day you won’t look at yourself with disgust
But when that happens I will ignite your lust We all doubt our mind or our soul
I will remind you of your goodness make you whole My trust may be stolen by demons past
I understand and will love you until it’s past So true you’ll fight me, making no sense
I’ll smile gently lots of tact I’ll dispense You and me together means you’ll never break
In your darkest hour I never would you forsake If in the abyss you sadly must go
I will hold vigil, guard you in your woe On those days you cannot walk
Carry you gladly, I’ll be your rock If suddenly you should struggle in your breath
I shall kiss you deep give my breath until death Should you feel people dropped you from their midst
My constant loving will show you surely exist If your words should leave you mute
I will champion your cause, I’ll be astute You may shut down and look down
But I will embrace your head kiss away your frown In the days when God can’t be found
My love I’ve always spoken for you He will be found God rue the days when you feel unloved
My eyes will pierce that woe my beloved.
You will break (I will mend) and fight (I will take the blows) and cry (take my should) and question (If I don’t have the answers, we will find them together) and fall on your face (I will cushion the fall, and then pick up wipe off your tears, look into your eyes, smile and kiss you) and scream (This is where I put my headphones on) and push me away (And I will stay right here) because of reasons of past lives (That one day will fade into oblivion). I love you through everything! I promise all these things and man many more that you have forgotten.
“The only real revolution is in the enlightenment of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real emancipation is individual, and the only real revolutionaries are philosophers and saints.” — Will Durant