No warrior’s death is coming for me
no blood stained sword to release
my foolish life from it’s hollow chest
as I slow die on this field of shame.
Stench of copper vile taste of metal
adrift I’m alone and battered and torn
oh that I could recompense my love!
No quiet wake of honor shall be held
no slow loving march of the damned
will sure carry me to eternal sleep
no I shall ever wail silently as I decay.
Terrible mists of doom rise eerily and
creep hauntingly through fading eyes
cast upon the distant shore of love lost.
No angels of mercy will soar this field
thick with the rancor of bitter defeat
they will not remove this elegiac song
shrouded by sick stench of stoic hope.
Oh that I could in great haste be felled
not seep bone coldly into Hades cruel
might his dread hot abyss of suffering.
No arrow swiftly flying will find its mark
no sword nor spear will ever pierce me.
Aye, this poison by which I die yet slow
looses the design of even black vultures.
I will wither and die in years as it reigns
cold perfect terror over me and claws at
where slow my life leaking seeps to hell.
This is a follow up to my post about my friend turned lifelong love! 7 days ago I left her and my heart at the Security Checkpoint at Bradley International Airport. And so, once again, she is over 3,665 miles away!
This girl who quietly began her blog of personal growth, journey, and discovery last February. This girl who I happened upon one chance December day. This girl who captivated me with her zest for nature and life. This girl who I read and quietly, somewhere in the universe, we were nudged closer and closer together.
I’m not going to sully this profound experience with my words. I am not going to carry on about love and soulmates and destiny and past lives and fate. I am not going to try to even begin to describe emotions, feelings. I sometimes get frustrated when I attempt to write her poems; they seem so bitterly inadequate. That is why there are only a few poems about her on my blog, and they are only ones written when I thought I had lost her.
No, I am not going to do any of that. I did want to post about our visit. She blessed me with a visit from August 28th-last Sunday. Put it this way, I define my nearly 54 years on this planet this way now: Life before Bec and after Bec.
Here’s the greatest joy I have experienced in my life:
we crunched froot loops together while making fun of the guy who couldn’t keep the breakfast nook stocked because he kept going back and forth with just one item at a time and we ate lots of pizza and chocolate and chips and Cheetos!
we visited a thrift store and took our first selfie–which she swore she would never take–in an overstuffed chair.
we fished for over 6 hours together. And she stayed because she loved it too, not just because she knew I love fishing.
we were on our way to Walmart and in-between the hotel and the road was a small section of nature. We stopped to take pictures and ended up spending over 2 hours there. Ironically, out of over 50 pics, when we shared what we thought our favorite pic of each other was, we selected the one of each other we took simultaneously on that day!
we watched What Dreams May Come and Excalibur her favorite movie and one of my very favorite movies…because we said that was what we wanted to do months before.
we learned our loving…slowly, quickly, subtly, obviously, kissed so passionately we banged teeth and lips like junior high kids
we went to my aunts which was epic for Bec to meet my most important person in my life…and I took my mother’s ashes back in a ziploc bag…where they remain on my nightstand.
we held hands, hugged, held, touched, kissed, slept together, woke together
we made peanut butter and nutella sandwiches and ate lunch at a pond behind Bass Pro Outlets and took pictures of nature and each other
we found out we both snore…she a lot less and a lot more quietly than me!
we ate pizza, and wendy’s and cumberland farms sandwiches that terrorized me for almost a day
we had candles lit all over two different hotel rooms and explored our sexuality, and kept the keycards
we talked and whispered and laughed and smiled and grinned and smiled some more
we drove–well she did all the driving, and she was almost a great driver except for a few minor brushes with disaster–through four different states!
we explored the Boston aquarium and I saw through her eyes the beauty of a place I had long ago dismissed, and both took WAAAAAAY too many pictures of fish trapped in glass, then I introduced her to Mike’s Pastry in the North End and we took pictures in the Old North Church where they did not actually place a lantern in to warn the British Are Coming!
we laid around in bed, took naps, lay in each other’s arms and passed the time doing nothing
we laid on a stretch of grass between two fast food restaurants–after she completely missed the turn into the restaurant–because we remembered we wanted to lie on the grass and look at the clouds together
we visited my astonished Probation Officer because I told him we would and visited the VA where I fought for over two months–and 4 disapproval’s before I got the Director of the VA to approve the extra time to spend with her–a legendary battle between man and the system, and visited Chris, the Patient Advocate who helped me win the battle
she bought me and her an angel coin, which I carry in my pocket with my other recovery coins, and she bought us matching rings that reminds me every time of the purity of what we share and the magnitude of the gift that is her and US
I cooked burgers and chicken kabobs for her and snuck into my room and took pictures and I finally got to give her all the cards I bought for her and almost made the flower-pot bald outside the hotel room and got her coffee and cold water and ice
So, yeah, it’s hard for me to write about our emotions and how I feel about her in a typical way. And you know what sucks? I’m leaving a million things out, but I think you know. If you don’t, your heart is made of brick lol.
PS: we are missing the exact same tooth!
Thank you Bec…because you made everything possible. I thought I was so smart, thought I knew what love was. I didn’t know a damn thing until you showed me exactly what it feels like, what it is, to really love.
They need to put your picture in every dictionary in every language of YOU next to the word love…Ya, the circle is closed for sure…and I just thought of a name for our rings: they are our “Galaxy Rings” whatcha think?
16 months of sobriety and loving life that is life with BEC!
“The only real revolution is in the enlightenment of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real emancipation is individual, and the only real revolutionaries are philosophers and saints.” — Will Durant