My Ruminations: I’m Sorry
I owe you all an apology. As much as I have always prided myself on being up front and honest about my life–almost to a fault–I haven’t shared with you the essence of my afflictions.
I feel like I owe you an apology because I have always been truthful with you, and I feel as though I have been living a lie by not exposing my darkest issues and behaviors.
So, I think in the coming weeks I am going to have to find the fortitude to lay it all on the line. Some of the topics may well alienate some of you away from my blog. 
I have always prided myself on supposedly not giving a shit what people think. Well, suddenly I am realizing that I must, because I am afraid to expose my ugliness to you. Ultimately it is what I have to do.
Since I disagree with A.A.’s Step in which you are to make amends to those you have wronged as long as where to do so wouldn’t be harmful to them. I am going to make my amends to over 1,100 of you instead. Besides, these folks don’t want to hear from me. Some of them could care less whether I live or die.
I’ve been mulling this over all day. I have come to the conclusion that I will not fully recover unless I disclose the exact nature of my wrongs. To me, it’s just too safe and convenient to do it to one male human being in AA. 
That seems to be a copout to me. I’m willing to face my community with the truth you deserve. I would be a hypocrite if I did not.
Some of my bleaker behaviors have to do with women. Many of you, dear readers, are women. So, if I am really going to be a truly transformed human being, then I will do it here.
I cannot control how you will react. I cannot change who I was. I had a lot of things going on in my life, no excuses though. I will get into those with each post. I do know for the first time in my life I am willing to be accountable for my behaviors.
Stay tuned…damn the torpedo’s!
You are one courageous guy! Sending love and thoughts to encourage your path…. Will be honored to follow your blog
That is so kind, thank you! I have yet to step off the curb so to speak, but the storm is surely coming and then calm I hope lol
I’m becoming aware of the world of recovery. I liked your post but have thoughts in the back of my head about accountability, what exactly it looks like, and am wondering how you can have accountability with your blog and online community. My father was an alcoholic and a married a man who had a different crippling addiction. Neither of them sought accountability or help for their addictions. Even when confronted both denied there was a problem. Pretty typically I guess. Just curious about your thoughts on the topic.
I think it’s much more cathartic for me to do it before thousands. Please keep in mind, I am actually living it with love humans in the flesh lol. I have already been there and done that with 9 months of treayment, counseling, groups, AA and NA. I’ve done it live, in letters. I feel responsible to do it hear because I have many deep connections here. Read Letter To My Ex as just one of many ways I walk my talk
This is the perfect place to let it all go…
I can respect someone who bares their soul to others. That takes courage. I hope by sharing it with us, it gives you some form of closure.
I can respect someone who bares their soul to others. That takes courage. I hope that it gives you closure and
At least I know that I will be walking the walk. Easy to say something, lot harder actually doing it.
It is definitely freeing to acknowledge the light and the dark! It takes a lot of courage👍🏻
Thanks so much, you being here, always with a kind comment, always reading my stuff it means so much to me and my recovery!
Good morning, Rob. I, too think this is a brave thing to do. Honesty even about the worst parts of us only helps to deepen friendships. Otherwise the relationships remain superficial. You’ve prepared us for what’s to come. We know it won’t be pretty but just like surgery is painful but necessary, cutting things open will only lead to healing.
As long as the stitches hold haha. Your support means a lot to me
They’ll hold! We’ll help to bandage them tightly, too. I am happy to support you, my friend!
My dad was a drinker. He died 6 months ago. He never admitted to himself all the pain and hurt he had caused. So I understand how hard looking in that mirror would be and the expectation people have for you to do it. I will read with great interest. Good luck x
I’m so sorry to hear of your dad’s passing. Losing a loved one, even one who has caused collateral damage, is never easy. And thank you very much for your comment. I may decide to just record my revelations, something I have been contemplating for a while. I know this is a blog, so we write here, but what do you think of a recording? Do you think that folks would listen, or should I just stick to the written word.
I would do what ever makes it easier for you to be honest with yourself….not what or how you think people would want to receive it. Its about you. And although we are along for the journey, its still your journey
I’m certainly going to be able to be honest with myself either way. I was thinking it would be nice to connect on a deeper level if I talked about it. There’s a lot of detail I would be able to include if I spoke it I think. Thanks for your feedback.
You are a brave man Rob. I don’t think there is anything you could write that would make me stop reading your blog (although I have to admit that I do not read every segment, you have quite a few 🙂 ). That is what I like about your blog, the honesty really shines through. No bullsh*t.
I really hope that it helps you as a person to open up.
That’s very kind of you! And I am glad you read the stuff you like, thats why i separated it out into features!
If it helps you please go ahead, write your heart out and those who will understand you will stick by you.
Rob, true, you can’t control how people react/respond, but being honest with yourself (and others) helps the issues to lose their power, allowing you to heal, grow and move on. So let them out. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
So nice of you to say such supportive comments thank you
Excellent! Do it! If I see you doing this, it will inspire me to bare my soul and no doubt will improve my writing. I’m looking forward to your new level of honesty.
Well I am, so buckle up
Here to be of support and loving compassion! I applaud you for making this decision. As others have said, it’s incredibly brave. We all have skeletons in the closet that most of us wouldn’t have the courage to display to our loved ones, let alone the world. I believe this will be a wonderful opportunity to heal and move forward, while also acting as an example to those who are struggling with their “demons” as well. Wishing you all the best!
Okay, I understand this as well. I too exposed the underbelly of my life and all I know is it has been a ride! From some really beautiful forgiveness and acceptance to flat out rejection. I wish I could say I am always happy I wrote the book I wrote, but truth be told I am not completely at ease with my decision. It definitely pointed to more faults and character defects in me..(That rabbit hole can be deep) I wish you well on your journey…
Thank you for your share. I guess I better stock up on carrots
Hey Rob
Great Idea. Admitting to your peeps here a portion of your perceived wrongs. Bravo my friend. I believe that what we have done to others has inflicted a wound on our conscience. In order to be of maximum benefit to ourselves, others and to our Higher power. That scar needs to be cut back opened and healed. That is imho the essence of step nine. Acknowledging and embracing our most horrific wretchedness allows us to be changed Peace be with you.
Thank you jeff!
In my humble opinion, if it helps you then, helps you continue to be the great person you are trying to be then, your readers will appreciate it, understand it, and not judge you on past behaviors. I can’t speak for everyone only myself, but no one reading your blog is blemish free. Everyone has done things they wish they hadn’t. There’s not enough paper, ink, or storage to put it in, for all the things I wish I hadn’t done and would go back and change if I could. For every reader that is offended and will stop reading there are more that will appreciate, learn and grow from it and will read. God bless you brother.
Thanks that’s awfully nice of you to say
nah, looking forward to reading it.
Look forward to the ride, Rob, I hope it brings healing to you and personal forgiveness.
Thank you!
Courage.
Indeed
I can’t wait to read more. Please hurry up lol.
Pain takes time my dear lol
I know…
My first installment..pick a day
Very brave of you
Thank you Tosha. It’s time to clean the rest of the attic. I’ve got plans for that room.
Go you! Rooting for ya
Thanks it means a lot that you haven’t forgot this humble poet. You should put links to purchase your books on your blog and on mine. I created an author spot for promoting books
That’s kind. Thank you. Really terrible at self promotion
Just send me the links via contact and I’ll add you
Thanks. Headed out but will try to remember and do it tomorrow from my laptop
At your leisure lovely lady
❤️
And I don’t usually compliment blonde women, but for you I will make an exceptional exception! The way you write, you could be bald and still be lovely. Haha. Be well
Thanks I think haha
Yes absolutely!
😊😎
Listening not speaking….for now…
Well, it’s certain to get interesting. I mean, I didn’t kill anyone or anything lol. I might be making my stuff more than it really is, but I’m not sure. Sunday is meeting day, nap day, laundry day, etc. I should be done here in a few
If a story needs to be told then it needs to be heard. Let me decide on its dramatic proportions.
Haha, ok, fair enough. You slay me!
Awww. I never hurt unicorns!
Uhm, ya, hate to break it to you but I am NOT a unicorn. I was told by a Medium once that I was once Raziel, the Archangel. lol Far cry from unicorns.
Your fault for listening to a medium. Should have asked a psychic….me!
Oh boy. Well that’s what I meant, a psychic. I thought they were one in the same.
Nope one takes your money the other gives you hope! I thought I said I was going to be not speaking. lol. You…..are….I dunno!
Brave move dude … at the end of the day, whether we like it or not though, this is you being accountable to you. You are who you have to live with.
Kia Kaha (used to encourage strength or confidence). I hope you find peace for yourself 🙂
Brave or stupid? Haha, just kidding. I’ve got to clear the rest of the attic. I can see the little bay window, but it’s blocked by a bunch of crap. I have plans for the attic, you know?
Excellent! And thats how it starts ay 🙂 Before you know it, you’ll be renovating the entire house! Good on yah.
Lol, the attic and my extra 25 lbs is all I have left
Cathartic indeed. We are covered in dross and all are also gold beneath. All parts worthy of love. Peace to you on the journey.
Thank you very much, I appreciate your comment and your reading my post.