My Ruminations: I’m Sorry
I owe you all an apology. As much as I have always prided myself on being up front and honest about my life–almost to a fault–I haven’t shared with you the essence of my afflictions.
I feel like I owe you an apology because I have always been truthful with you, and I feel as though I have been living a lie by not exposing my darkest issues and behaviors.
So, I think in the coming weeks I am going to have to find the fortitude to lay it all on the line. Some of the topics may well alienate some of you away from my blog. I have always prided myself on supposedly not giving a shit what people think. Well, suddenly I am realizing that I must, because I am afraid to expose my ugliness to you. Ultimately it is what I have to do.
Since I disagree with A.A.’s Step in which you are to make amends to those you have wronged as long as where to do so wouldn’t be harmful to them. I am going to make my amends to over 1,100 of you instead. Besides, these folks don’t want to hear from me. Some of them could care less whether I live or die.
I’ve been mulling this over all day. I have come to the conclusion that I will not fully recover unless I disclose the exact nature of my wrongs. To me, it’s just too safe and convenient to do it to one male human being in AA. That seems to be a copout to me. I’m willing to face my community with the truth you deserve. I would be a hypocrite if I did not.
Some of my bleaker behaviors have to do with women. Many of you, dear readers, are women. So, if I am really going to be a truly transformed human being, then I will do it here.
I cannot control how you will react. I cannot change who I was. I had a lot of things going on in my life, no excuses though. I will get into those with each post. I do know for the first time in my life I am willing to be accountable for my behaviors.
Stay tuned…damn the torpedo’s!