My Ruminations: Give Me Drugs


So yesterday I saw the head Psychiatrist for the program.  We have been monitoring how I’ve been doing on 1,400mg of Lithium.

I reported to him that I was not doing all that well.  I’m just so bored.  No matter what I try to do I can’t seem to settle my thoughts and emotions.

As many of you may recall I started my Work Therapy job last week.  I am supposed to work around the vast grounds of the VA.  In just about two weeks, I may have worked all of three hours.  I hate going to it.  I refuse to wrap up a full 2 more months here going to a job where I sit on a couch and vegetate.

depression on justruminating men's blog

Also, I informed him, I am habitually borderline depressed.  I get up and instead of being happy and excited in recovery, I am tired, annoyed, aggravated and mildly depressed.  It hasn’t always been this way.  It has been just the past few weeks.  And, the more I try to fill that void, the emptier it seems to get; it’s infuriating!

I am desperately lonely.  I don’t have anyone I can really talk to.  Nor do I choose to talk to any of the guys here.  It’s like this constant river of muddiness flows within me.  Sure, I get moments of peace and satisfaction, you all know that.  But what I am talking about is a condition of being overall.

No matter how many meetings I go to.  No matter how much I focus on positivity, and acceptance, and gratitude.  No matter how much I write.  No matter how much I commune with nature, my general demeanor is shit.  I just don’t know how to find tranquility and peace.  Actually, I do, but sustaining it over an extended period of time escapes me.

psychiatrist on justruminating men's blog

Sooooo, Dr. Osser’s answer is to start me on another medication.  A medication that is supposed to combat Bipolar Depression:  Lamotrigine, I think it’s called.  I still don’t think I am Biploar because I have the absence of Manic Episodes–or so I believe.

I don’t get all this giddy, happy-go-lucky Manic affect he keeps describing.  I do get sad, lonely, angry, irritated, depressed, bored, hopeless, lethargic, apathetic, and tons more opposite emotions of mania.

But he’s the expert, and at this point I really don’t care what he puts me on, to be honest with you.  I just need to feel somewhat stable and less irritable, anxious, depressed, and all the other shitty emotions I constantly have been feeling.  I also told him I wanted to be removed from my job.


I want and put into the Gym job that just opened up due to one of the residents not coming back on Sunday.  In the last two weeks, three residents have bailed on the program.  And if I were to guess, at least two more look like they are borderline snap cases.

I’ll be damned if I am going to be one of them.  If I have to go on medication to stabilize my thoughts and emotions, then by God’s bring on the drugs!  Failure is not an option, and if I don’t get a bead on this, things are going to turn to shit in a hurry.


  • . I completely identify with everything ur going through…sending u love and positive energy.

  • . I completely identify with everything ur going through…sending u love and positive energy.

  • . I completely identify with everything ur going through…sending u love and positive energy.

  • Jesus, is this your cocktail?

  • One of the difficulties I found was that when I quit drinking, I had forgotten what it was that really mattered to me other than drinking. I had no emotional connection to anything.

    It’s been a strange gift over time to start remembering those things, and also finding new things. Obviously I’m a fan of writing, and that’s a very good start. Keep it up.

    • Yes, I will. And thank you for sharing that. It has been a slow process first having way too many friggin emotions, to not enough to the inappropriate. I think now were leveling off, thank Christ

  • Hi Rob, I havn’t got anything helpful to add (I suspect) but just wanted to say ‘I hear ya’. I understand the ongoing challenges of being in recovery and also having to manage mental health issues on a daily basis. From my own experience, and from speaking with quite a lot of other recovering alcoholics/addicts, it seems that addiction and mental health issues seem to go hand in hand. So many of us self medicated on mental health issues; yet addiction also created and exacerbated them for many of us too. I don’t take any medication for my mental health issues (this is mainly because there isn’t any medication as such that can treat what I have, it’s all about DBT for me) but it’s a journey for each person to find out what works best for them in terms of medication/treatment etc. Take care and hope the boredom goes soon – again I think boredom is really common in early recovery as we spent so much of our time drinking/using that we suddenly have all this time in recovery and realise that we don’t have anything to fill it with once the booze/drugs are out of the equation. That was my experience anyway. It did make me realise how much alcohol had so completely been my life! That was a sobering realisation; also one that made me grieve all the life I had wasted by self medicating/getting trashed. Over time this has evolved into a determination not to waste any more life on booze and to create a life worth living that is alcohol-free. I wish the same for you. Good luck!

  • Hi Rob, I am hoping for warmer toes for you.

    I can relate to lot of your story. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (step father). Booze has been my big problem but I’ve had long periods of sobriety thankfully. Still trying to figure out the mental health stuff as when I am clean for any period of time the anxiety and depression become more clear. I take generic Lexapro and I seem to respond to it. My therapist is not too big into diagnosis/labeling but my symptoms present sorta like Complex-PTSD though that is not in the DSM. When I was younger, I had some Borderline tendencies and there are still echos of that at times.

    I love your blog, since you are prolific it is hard to keep up with the posts sometimes! Thanks for visiting and supporting my little corner of the web. Appreciate it.

    • No worries, I wish I could comment more, but I’m having trouble wading through over 700 followers. I sometimes get overwhelmed. I appreciate you reading what you do, thank you for sharing

  • I completely identify with everything ur going through…sending u love and positive energy..💫

  • Those dealing with co-existing disorders (addiction and mental health) is an extremely tough job both for the client, as well as the addiction and mental health professionals. Since mental health and addiction are now starting to be treated together, there is some progress. But it’s still difficult. It may take time for you to find the right combination but don’t give up hope! I just went on a 12th Step call last night with a friend dealing with the same thing. I’m just a call phone away if needed 24/7!

    When I was young in sobriety, I had to volunteer as a requirement for receiving public assistance. I found my own job at the local zoo. In the Winter, like now, I had to go to the Public Works yard, get rock salt, load it in a truck, drive back, then spread it all over the zoo, run back after lunch and do it all over again. I feel for ya! My back hurts just thinking about it.

    Boredom – I know it well. I live alone. I have a few (5) friends. So, I myself, don’t get out much. However, when I’m at home I get involved in various projects to keep me busy: this blog, genealogy, computer programming/web design, reading, listening to music, etc. You’re very active on the blog. Perhaps visit the library and pick up a book on a subject you like or perhaps recovery? The Dune series, The Vampire Chronicles (Ann Rice), The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan) and The Inheritance series (Eragon, Eldest, Brisinger) are books I re-read all the time. Perhaps before going home spend an hour in the veterans home talking to the residents. Trust me, they can tell you stories and love the attention!! Ask what volunteer positions they may have open. It’s better working inside than outside, right?

    As usual, just suggestions. I hope that it’s helpful.

  • I hope you feel better soon Rob. Maybe it’s the boredom you mention and the fact you are in an institution that is causing the moods rather than anything more sinister. I was born in South Africa. The Africans have radically different ways to deal with depression. This is an excerpt from an article I really enjoyed.
    Now I’m not suggesting you go that far it’s just an alternative view on the whole thing. (Especially the part about the people that survived the genocide in Rwanda and how they viewed the Western mental health workers that tried to help them.

  • Sorry I haven’t been keeping up with you and all that’s going on. Wish you weren’t facing all of this. 🙁

  • What did your therapist say about changing your job ??

  • Oh, that lonely grayish void is the worst. Knowing what you want to feel yet it’s just slightly out of reach. Have you done any research in nootropics? I’ve been taking a supplement called “Opti neuro” it’s basically a brain vitamin. It helps with concentration and alertness. Now that a month has past since I’ve been taking it my brain is a bit clearer. Something like this might help. Your in my thoughts and prayers friend. 🙏😬

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