My Ruminations: Discontentment In Recovery
As a recovering alcoholic faced with his emotions I can tell you that finding inner peace is not an easy thing.
I talk with my therapist about this all the time: “Why can’t I just wake up one day and just be content for the entire day?”
It seems that no matter what activities I surround myself with: AA Meetings, reading the Big Book, listening to my music, blogging, even former relationships, I am still left with the gnawing in my gut.
I still feel irritable and restless most days. This pisses me off! Although I am surrounding myself with activities, I am still restless and dissatisfied. And then, when I went skiing yesterday, I came across a possible reason.
I still haven’t found my Higher Power. I think my Higher Power might actually be nature. When I was standing on top of that mountain, breathing that crisp New Hampshire air, I felt that elusive peace I have been searching for.
I have not found this peace in the Bible, the Quran, the Big Book, not in any of the other activities I have yet pursued since coming out of jail in October.
Now, obviously I can’t be in nature 24/7, so how do I sustain this peaceful contentment? How do I keep my afflicted mind from taking over and sitting on the throne all day, ruling my emotions? Well, I think I know how:
Meditation. I can meditate myself to any place I want to go. I was meditating all the time at my previous program. I stopped meditating because I’ve used the excuse that I have no privacy. Well, I have to make privacy. I have to find a way each and everyday to meditate so I can join nature.
I think I did a post a few months back on what nature has meant to me throughout my life. I feel that oneness I long to feel with the universe when I am fully present in nature. I feel as if I journey home when I immerse myself in nature. And, if I can’t get into nature, I know I can get there through my mind!
So today, it’s back to meditating! It’s back to nature. By doing so I come back home to myself! At least that is what I am thinking. I’ll keep you posted.