My Recovery: Exhausted
So today I transferred from my 8 week VA Treatment Program to the 3 month VA Work/Treatment program in Brockton. When I wrote Sunny Side Up: Hope/Promise I was filled with the excitement for the next step in my recovery.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s not exactly how it went down. I took the shuttle over at 8:30 and I was dumped at the main building with 1 very heavy bag, a lighter bag, and a garbage bag. It was freezing cold out, and I had to walk quite a distance to Building 7. Not fun.
Well I was doing the intake and slowly but surely my anxiety was about to make a surprise attack. I didn’t like the building. It’s twice the size of my previous program. There are 32 residents versus 17. I was intimidated and fearful.
All of my mindfulness training, CBT training, breathing exercises decided to go south! Barely making it through orientation, I grabbed my sheets and felt–wait for it, wait–friggin’ tears! What??!! I had to get out of the room and just barely made it before the waterworks came. My inner kid was bawling.
Yes, a place of promise, a place where my recovery was going to be the latest and greatest, brought me to sobbing heavily in the shared bathroom. I was miserable! The room was half the size of my other room. There were 15,000 new rules. My stuff was all searched through and sprawled on the bed and the floor.
I lost it. Why now? Why not in jail? Why not when I got to my 8 week program? Why was I sobbing like a baby? Dear readers I was not in good shape. Then comes a friggin knock on my door and I’m thinking to myself “Great, just what I need. My new case manager about to burst through the door.”
Well, he did let himself in (and I was super pissed about that) and then I broke down again, pointing to my pile of belongings all over and sobbed “Look at my fucking life!” I remained inconsolable, but managed to avoid any of the other residents as I rushed out to fresh air.
Long story short, and only after I had to see the Director of the Program–ya, no kidding–who tried to get at the issues and I just said the place had a bad soul and it was bugging me out, lol. Was it fear? Was it intimidation? Was it stress? I didn’t know, but I knew I had to get my shit together, this was going on two hours!
Then I had the guts–although I have no idea where I found them, to show my vulnerability and reach out to a friend. She asked if she could call, then just called anyway haha. I have never cried in front of anyone but my mother before in my life–I don’t think. She talked me back into reality. She gave me my perspective back. My Goodness, what the hell happened to me?
I must say folks, this whole business of changing and looking within is emotionally exhausting! Maybe I never grieved my situation. Maybe I was grieving new transition. My friend suggested that I had set myself up so high, that when I got here and was slightly disappointed, the floodgates opened.
Who knows? Perhaps all this strength and resolve and optimism was just hiding the fact that I needed to be weak for once. Maybe I just had to breakdown and feel that it was ok to do so. I am not sure, but I just know that I was embarrassed at my emotional reactions and my friend was there when I needed her. I have a tremendous attitude of gratitude for that.
She basically reassured me that it was normal to break down. Better now, than in 6 months. Better to go through the growing pains of the heavy burden of recovery, than to just skate by and lie to myself. So, my dear readers, your humble Ruminator is far from out of the woods. This shit is exhausting, my Gods!
That being said, tomorrow is a new day. Jeez…
Change can be really hard and really scary and you’ve gone through a lot in the past few months! Don’t be hard on yourself, I’m sure it will get better from here.
Thank you D
Gosh, I’m sorry to read it was so hard, but you obviously needed the catharsis of the new environment. There’s nothing I can add to what all these lovely people have already said, just, don’t be hard on yourself, life’s too short for that crap, as you’ve found out. 💐 And don’t lose that great friend! 🙂
Sorry, that should read ‘catalyst’
Thank you for being there
I wish you all the very best. Take care.
If you’ve been numbing your emotions for years they will all rise to the surface now Rob. Just let your heart break and the bad stuff will come out, and the good stuff will be able to get in. It’s good to cry. Let it flow. You will be fine.
Ok it’s not easy or fun, but I’ll do my best
I always find myself talking to you while I read your posts. I stopped at “I had to get out of the room and just barely made it before the waterworks came. My inner kid was bawling.” and said that that is OKAY!! Your inner kid can bawl as much as he needs to. You write you don’t cry in front of others… aren’t you there for change?
You wrote “I lost it. Why now? Why not in jail? Why not when I got to my 8 week program? Why was I sobbing like a baby?”. Maybe because you realise that this is it? And it scares the h*ll out of you? But you can DO THIS!
Keep writing, Rob.
You’re so generous with your thoughts and time thank you it means a lot to me
Welcome to my world. It’s astonishing the emotional roller coaster we ride in recovery. Hang in there. I know it’s easier said than done sometimes. Sending prayers!!
Thank you so much for your kind words
Stay strong it is just the first step. You will make it. You have made it this far. Will be praying for you.
Thanks marine
I think that was supposed to be beach balls but I have been up since 3 am and my eye are not focusing right now.
lmao
I am glad you could wade through my bad typing and spelling and that some coherence remained. I never like to accept the limitations of being human either. It sucks. You’ve got this and its okay not to be okay sometimes.
Thank you cause sometimes I think it isn’t ok and imnglad that it might actually be ok
It is absolutely okay. What it isn’t is comfortable.
That’s for sure!
Survivors are tough Rob and we can be amazing holding 80 balls beach bags of our baggage below the surface of a pool so they don’t rise to the surface, and knock us on our asses. But maybe 81st was one more than you could push down today. The problem is once one slips, 10 more might slip too and those balls that we keep such careful control over start popping up all over the pool. It doesn’t mean you aren’t strong or that you are no longer good at juggling those 89 balls, it just means that 81 was more than you needed today. I have a feeling that I am being incoherent right now but what I am really saying is be gentle and kind with yourself. You have been through a LOT this year and you have amazing coping skills but you are still human. No reflection on your strength or your resilience if every once in a great while you need a friend. Or two. Or three.
You are so lovely for saying that to me. I get what you are saying. I think you are actually spot on. So what are you saying? I’m going to need more goddamn Kleenex? Shit…
Whew. Sounds like quite a day, Rob. Well…now it’s almost over, and tomorrow will be a new day. 🙂
P.S. Sounds like you got a friend there. I’d keep her around for those rainy days. 🙂
Thank you very much Phoebe. She’s a keeper alright, she’s a real keeper.