My Recovery: Emotions…Again

my_recovery

So here I am again, stuck talking about my emotions.  Lately, they have been negative.  I feel irritable, frustrated, anxiety-ridden.

I am getting tired of listening to some of these guys talk.  I know I should have patience and tolerance.  But lately I just don’t have it.

I also mentioned in another post that I started a grounds keeping job on Monday.  Well, apparently they don’t do much on the grounds:  they spend most of the time off the grounds and off their feet in front of the tv in the maintenance building.

This in and of itself is not what is bothering me.  What is bothering me is how am I going to kill 6.5 hours per day, 4 days a week, for the next two months?  I’m frustrated there is no leadership, and I’m aggravated that I am trying to take the next step in my recovery and it’s a sham.

feelings on justruminating men's blog

I also was just given 12 hours notice that the remainder of my meager belongings has to be removed from where they are tomorrow morning, or they will be thrown out.  Thanks for the heads up guys!

I’m far enough along in my recovery that I know I have to get my head right.  I know I should be doing something like meditation, reading, mindfulness, etc.  But all I want to do is walk around pissed off.  I have been this way for three days.  I know that I have to somehow get out of the funk.

Even putting more energy into this blog is not shaking me out of it.  Maybe I need to drop down on my knees and start praying.  Hell, I haven’t the stomach for that kind of reality right now, but I am willing to try anything.  At least I do know this much:  battling with my emotions can sometimes feel like all out war!  Drinking was a lot easier than this, I can tell you that!

I have to keep reminding myself that these emotions will pass.  I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to be a prisoner to them.  That I need to acknowledge the emotion and move on, acknowledge the emotion and move on.  I can’t get bogged down with all these emotions.emotions on justruminating men's blog

I’m the master of my emotions, not the other way around.  If I continue to let these emotions master me, and to control my behavior, serious trouble will follow.  So tonight I will pray, and I will pray hard.  I need to regain my mastery of my emotions before I find myself in real trouble.

87 comments

  • Honored to be asked!

  • I had to ask my youngest read and explain the term you used….wasn’t sure if I got it right. haha learnt a new one today and so I can type it out too. I am lmao with you too. OK I get it. You sarcastic? Don’t think its in your DNA! See I can use them alphabets too! How’s your day been so far?

    • Busy. Marines are here with special lunch setting it up and then I’ll help feed. I made that phrase up today btw haha. It just came to me. And yes, I can exhibit biting sarcasm as necessary

      • So we understand each other. Good! How many veterans live where you work? How long will you work here? I am off to bed soon. Hope you have a good rest the day. Its past midnight her. A very interesting night talking to you.

      • We’re I work is a different building. I love with 40 vets, it’s way too crowded now. I don’t like crowds and I don’t like hanging out with them or like hanging out with people in general. Believe it or not I’m introverted

      • Believe you. I hate crowds and people too. Always keep a safe distance. It must be hard for you then to be in there. I get claustrophobic thinking about it. I hope you don’t mind the many questions. I am not usually very nosy but you are interesting.

      • We’ve covered the rules I believe?

      • you get more interesting as time goes by. yes I believe we did cover some Rules. sometimes I might need to be reminded – i am after all the capitalisation Rebel!

      • Indeed You Are!

      • Please read my sonnet tomorrow, your opinion matters!

      • Joyous Love Stays! Gosh I don’t think I’ve really ever asked Simone to read my work before. Can’t help it though lol

      • hi, Rob, its 5.30am sunday morning on the equator and i typed a reply to this when you sent it and i think i forgot to hit send or the ipad ate my message. might have said sure, or ok; but yes I would like to read it – I will go search in your archives. Coffee hasn’t permeated the blood stream yet.

      • Haha! Good morning did you say the sun never sets there?

      • Good morning! It rises and sets on the regular boring people, but I am the witch that hides from the sun and where I am its dark all day, and I like it, too much effort to be happy in the sun, and sun drys thoughts. Haha! I wish I could hide all day but in reality there’s stuff to be done and you cannot ignore life or a child that screams – what’s for breakfast! Hope you ended your work day well!

  • Meaning I understand your thoughts so well I could be you. I’m with you, I get it. I comprehend, etc

  • there will be more days like this and its a result of finally having control of your life and you want to fast forward it to when its not a walk, but a skip, hop and jump. having control isn’t as liberating as people think – like kids who start to walk – unsteady and fall – backslide – but still take the painful steps -find release in writing eve when you don’t, walking when you feel like flying and solace in the music you love. but you are here – and i can see a whole bunch of people who care for you. and there you are – aware and know you can rise above it. i went through some of this sometime ago. music always helped. ok going to stop now – too much rambling! but you get it right?

  • Very inspirational blog
    Prayer is key! I have no doubt this too shall pass!

  • Hi Rob. I am seeking out recovery/sobriety themed blogs (not JUST that but I’m trying to build a good online support network to read and reach out to). I have followed you, your post struck a chord. If you could spare the time to point me in the direction of any other blogs you follow that might help I would be really grateful. Thanks in advance and have a great day x

  • You sound incredibly mindful. That in itself is an achievement. I’ve spent years trying to build the emotional awareness you seem to have and I’m still no where near….

    • I HAVE to make these changes, my life has become a farce. Practicing it is a constant struggle and writing about it reinforces my behaviors. Don’t forget, I’m 53, this didn’t happen overnight lol

  • Keep going Rob and there is a great quote I love: “tell the negative committee in your head to sit down and shut up” or as I say to mine ‘shut the fu** up! Think of yourself as Chair of your Board – you are mighty powerful Mr Chair to have gone 8 months.. keep that power going and you’ll find your ‘Brilliance Within’.. x

  • Thank you for sharing your humanity.

  • Maybe you are over-concerned about the next two months. Maybe pull on the breaks and go one day at a time. Getting agitated about the future is like anxiety where often you have been needlessly concerned over something that never happened, or something was not as bad as you thought it would be.

    Your enthusiasm to get to where you want to be may cause you to race ahead of yourself.

    Sometimes the harder you try to get your mind into a more preferable state, the worse it can get. Sometimes you have just got to go along with it and remind yourself that tomorrow will probably be better, because you are just having a bad day today. Once this day is finished you will have another day of sobriety under your belt and be another day closer to your goal.

    You will have more bad days; it is a battle you will be fighting for a while. I would bet money on you winning this battle though Rob.

    • Ronnie thank you so very much for taking the time to write such a wonderful and insightful comment. You are right. I am letting too much bother me at once. I have to re-purify my thinking and break life down into the here and now and bite size chunks like I was. I need to get back to my acceptance and gratitude and have the wisdom to know I cannot change what I cannot change. Thanks so much for your support and vote of confidence!

  • One moment at a time. Deep breath. Stay strong. We’re all pulling for you.

    • Hello Reena, I do hope you have been doing well these past months. I thank you very much for you have been reading my blog since almost the beginning! Yes, one moment at a time!

  • I know exactly what you mean, I have felt the same many times. Friends and family can be great support but sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Equally, a great way to plug into positivity is to create something, for me that would be blogging or sketching, but I so often feel uninspired. My strategy is to manufacture or enable small successes or achievements throughout the day. Even something so small as sending an important email that has been lingering or cleaning the bathroom.
    I like your blog, I’ll be back!

    • Thank you for likeing my blog, I do hope you come back lol. As far as your comment, thank you so much! I can’t tell you how ch I appreciate it. I liked your ideas and have done that often when things have gotten a little too big for me: breaking life down into small pieces. Thank you so much for putting forth the caring, it means a lot to me!

  • thanks for liking my post 🙂
    Now, get on your damn knees. You know how this works. God has to be in charge. Pray for guidance. Its your recovery, get on it!! Drinking was easier, but whered that get you. Sorry to be so blunt, but recovery and the funk dont go together. From an Alanon to an alcoholic, you can do this. hit your knees and get the assistance you need. K

  • I am behind on reading today and you’ve already had some amazing responses. I’ll add my voice to those of the others in wishing you well!

  • imho it’s remarkable that you’re aware of what’s going on within, watch that as an impartial observer, by being aware changes will occur naturally, we really can’t help ourselves consciously, thank you for being generous with yourself 🙏🏻

  • Rob, during sobriety you’re going to have times when you feel the world is set against you. Talking about it certainly helped but I also realized that I have to DO something about it. Typically it’s not those around you, it’s some unresolved conflict that you have within yourself. Try to find out what that is and take the appropriate action.

    Listening to people tell the same thing over and over, day after day can be extremely annoying. Perhaps there is a message in there for you? Perhaps you can help them in some small way? You just have to listen for it.

    I left jobs because it effected/affected (?) my sobriety. When I was a groundskeeper, there were some inappropriate things taking place. I took it to the next level. Nothing was done, so I had to make a choice. I left without looking back. It was a very hard decision but it was something I HAD to do. Relapse or sobriety? If you have an opportunity to work somewhere else, find out who you need to speak to. Tell them your honest feelings about what is going on? They may be able to put you somewhere else and quickly.

    When I got sober, I left all my belongings behind. The question asked of me was, “Mike, do you really need all that stuff?” I left many sentimental things. For me, it was another way of holding on to the old me. I was reminded that they were just material things, you can get those back. Yes, it takes time and patience. Perhaps its a lesson in “Letting it Go”?

    You’re not alone. I’m in the same place, just different circumstances right now. I am struggling with some hard decisions. I’ve become a person I don’t want to be lately.
    I vowed that I would change based on past experiences. Yet, again here I am again and again and again. Change is hard but its necessary.

    When we become stagnant, bad things happen. Switch it up, do something different. For instance, really look at how you put on your socks. Left first, then right. Tomorrow, do it right first, then left. Is it that easy to change? No. It does take time and patience but in the end the benefits outway the consequences. Talk about it, keep working and trust in yourself and your HP you will get through this.

    Sorry for my long speech but I hope that it helps.
    Mike

  • You can do it and have faith, he is always there with you.

  • You can get it back and you will. I believe in you

  • Yes! Pray!! I will pray for you too!

  • I really love how brutally honest you are in sharing the good, bad & ugly through your recovery process (although I’m sorry your are going through a rough spot!). I’m very inspired by you & I would like to have just a tiny bit of your resilience! I’m thinking of you!

  • You will get through this ! You will.

  • Your mind is not a species all to itself. You have control of it. I know it’s hard as hell, but don’t water the bad seeds. Cut them off and do not let them grow. Just wondering if the entrance of your ex wife hasn’t had you off track. Just take a day off in your mind and try to find peace. No mind. Once you have cleared the cache, decide carefully what you will allow to grow in thought. Sometimes I have to step away from any and all stimulation – social media, blogging, television, and even reading. Just be. Also, I have found my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, has always been available to hear my prayer. He doesn’t freely give material blessings, but because I am His and He is mine, I have all manner of spiritual blessings I can claim if I will. Peace of mind being one of them. Joy in all circumstances being another. I talk like I have attained all this. Some days I get it and apply it and those are the good days. Some times I rebel against all that I know I SHOULD do. Who knows why. Chin up. This is a season of your life. It will be part of your past soon enough.

  • You can do it Rob! But I don’t think there is much I can write to get you out of your funk, only you can!! Have you felt like this before in the past when you have been in recovery? Or is it completely new?

    • Never been in recovert

      • Oh ok. Then it is definitely new. I don’t want to get all preachery on you or anything but prayer does help 🙂 I use it almost as meditation. I learn a lot about myself while I am talking to my God.

        But I have to believe that a person who seems as motivated as you are, as positive as you are WILL find a way to get out of this funk.

        Not sure if it makes you feel any better but every one gets pissed off once in a while.

      • I certainly appreciate the kind comment! I’ll get through. Nothing will derail me!

  • This is my go to mantra when things don’t work out for me, I keep chanting this poem. The poem is called ‘Invictus – William Earnest Henley.’ At 12 William suffered from tuberculosis of the bone that resulted in the amputation of his left leg below the knee. He risked losing the other leg too. It was in such a scenario he wrote this poem which gave him a lot of strength. During his imprinsonment Nelson Mandela too gained strenght from this poem.

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.
    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.
    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll.
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

  • breathe out, breathe in.
    breathe out the doubt and fear, breathe out the muddled thinking that let you sink so deep.
    breathe in the progress you’ve made, the awareness you have, the spark in you that kept you from going completely under is still lit. all that you’ve accomplished came from you, focus on that.

  • U know what you call a man who cannot control his emotions? A convict. Life sucks better sober bruv

  • Hold on Buddy…..this too shall pass.

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