My Miscellany: Men And Women Friends?

my_miscellany_on_recoverywise

I want to take a moment and tell you about my friend.  My friend is very unusual.  That’s because my friend is a woman.

Now, before you laugh, let me explain.  I’ve never had a female friend.  I would like to be able to say that one of the longer term relationships I had involved friendship.  I thought that once.  But I don’t any longer.

Most of the women in my life were pursued by me.  They were pursued for companionship and sex.  In my 20’s all the women in my life were sexual conquests.  I hate to use that term, but I was spastically promiscuous.  I thought my answers lie with women and booze.

Boy was I wrong!  Neither of those approaches to life got me anywhere.  It got me heartache, loneliness, despair, confusion, jail, and on and on and on.  The hole in my gut had to be filled by ME.  No woman or no drug or substance was going to do that for me.  Ironically, it was booze and a woman that finally landed me in jail and into recovery.

I’d like to clarify something:  I do have feelings for my friend.  I am physically attracted to her.  However, she has taught me how to be a friend.  She has taught me that it IS possible for a man to be friends with a woman.  I suppose you can say I landed in the “Friend Zone” haha!  I think I still have one foot out, but I digress.

Some of you are probably shaking your heads going “No shit” men can be friends with a woman.  Well, I was either to afraid to try it, or I didn’t believe it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have feelings for my friend.  We had started out flirting.  Me more than her.  That’s because I liked her.  But here’s this major distinction:  she expressed how important it was for us to be friends.  I was like “UGH.”  I was like what the fuck happened?

Well, dear readers, what happened was that I almost bolted (twice) because I wasn’t sure I wanted any part of this friendship thing.  But we had been interacting for a bit when this came about.  I really liked this girl.  I really enjoyed being around her.  But now she was saying we had to be just friends.  I was torn and emotionally distraught.  But it came to me the next day (each time), I valued her presence in my life more than I valued being macho-get-the-girl-man.  So I stuck around.  And she let me!

She could have easily said this isn’t worth it.  She could have just said she was all set.  But she stood by me.  And that’s what she has been doing from the word go.  And she has taught me so much about myself, about her, and about true friendship.  I do sometimes push the envelope from friendship to romance, but she does maintain vigilance, I’ll give her that haha!

Look, I used to be a creature of habit when it came to meeting women.  I just learned what worked and what didn’t.  I played games.  I used my words.  I used my sex.  I didn’t do it maliciously, I just thought that was the best way to the end zone.  I’ve had several long term relationships that all had their merits.  They just didn’t last.  For two reasons:  I always ended up with woman who were opposite, as in opposites attract (that’s a future post I have just decided) and MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY:  none of them were ever my friend.

I could never talk about anything with them.  I couldn’t have a bad day or there was emotional annihilation.  I always felt I had to be a certain way.  One girlfriend would get bullshit if I didn’t like all her fucking Facebook posts.  Very few of them had their own friends to go out with.  I could never just be myself.  It was always, let’s go out to dinner.  Yes, once or twice a couple women went fishing with me, but they didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not blaming them, trust me, you all know I am no angel.

But I got off track.  My friend is not only tremendously honest, she is extremely non-judgmental.  I can be myself with her.  She doesn’t just require disclosures from me, she shares her own.  When I take risks, she doesn’t run from me, she takes her own.  She shows interest in what’s happening in my life.  She’s always has a kind word.  We can talk about anything together.  And do it for hours, day in and day out.

She is the kind of woman you could spend the rest of your life with and KNOW it was the best decision you ever made.  She is funny, smart, beautiful, talented in many ways.  She is insightful and creative.  She is a woman warrior, a survivor.  She is funny.  She is caring and kind.  She is open-minded about many things.  She is entertaining and interesting.  I trust her.  I respect her.  I admire her for reasons she knows.

As a result of our friendship, I have changed.  I have changed for the better.  I catch myself if I am being generic.  I don’t write things to her just to write them.  I don’t act inappropriately.  I don’t say things to her because they look or sound good.  I don’t treat her like a sex object.  I don’t write her romance or sexual poetry just because I know that she will love it.

I don’t pressure her for emotional returns.  I guess I really don’t do anything I used to do with other women.  And I have her to thank for that.  She has actually shown me how to be a better person.  I consider her my best friend, not just any friend.

Take a moment out of your day, and acknowledge one of your good friends.  Oh my are they so few and far between.  Thank you for being a tremendous human being, and a great friend!

I do still try to sneak some stuff in there once in awhile though, heh heh.

40 comments

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  • You’re so correct! A friendship like this is few and far between. She sounds incredible! So happy you found each other. I honestly believe women and men can have solid friendships and it’s so necessary and healthy. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • LOVED this. Thank you. Value friendships. Always.

  • Wauw Rob…. where do I start… I did raise an eyebrow when you opened with “My friend is very unusual” lol! A beautiful tribute and I am sure I will be reading it again later today. Just know that you are also a true friend.

    This made me smile Rob ๐Ÿ™‚ It really did.
    Ugh.

  • Wow, this is such a sweet tribute to your friend. I’m so envious right now wishing I had a friend too considering I’m not very good in maintaining friendships. Anyways enough about me, I’m so happy you have someone like that to take care of you. Accept her in whatever way you get her, cherish and respect her. Friendship goes beyond everything else. Stay blessed.

  • Happy for you, for the way your life is shaping up and this lovely read , she sounds amazing and lovely to read how much she has helped you. Blessings on you always.

  • Aw, Rob! How lovely! Some of my best friendships have been with guys. I’m so glad you’ve found such a wonderful friend in the opposite sex. She sounds amazing. Like a breath of fresh air compared to your past relationships – I can’t imagine the hell it was to be with someone you couldn’t be yourself around. So glad she’s offered you space to be exactly that! ๐Ÿ™‚ Felt so much love from this post, it just warms my little heart. Happy for you!

    • Thank you so much! I didn’t mean to suggest my relationships were all terrible and misery. It’s just my friend makes me realize how much of myself I really wasn’t being. Perhaps thats a better way to put it. Either way, she’s a great person who I truly enjoy being with all the time!

  • This reminds me of one of my female friends. Hold on to her, she is special. Great post.

  • This was one of the best, and sweetest friend tributes ever lol seriously. Doesn’t get any better than that she sounds amazing the way you described her and the way you described the friendship, how it made you better. How you can be yourself with her and not feel the need to pressure certain attention from her because what is already there is more than enough. I had a close guy friend once and we both developed feelings, dated, and the relationship went south so the friendship was lost. I often wished we didn’t take it to that next level and still remained friends.

    • I’m so glad you thought it was a sweet tribute because to be quite honest I feel like I still fell short. I feel like I left so much out. Anyway, sorry to hear about your friend

      • Yeah it’s okay, he still tells me happy bday every year lol. And I can’t believe you feel like you fell short ๐Ÿ˜ณ if you left stuff out I can only imagine. That’s one friendship you’ll have to keep no matter what

  • To men and women being friends- I’ve had a male best friend for over 20 years. I love so had a male friend for over 30 years. I’m like you I cannot lie I slept with one of them and did stuff with the other one LOL but once that was out of the way we’ve returned to being wonderful friends if not better than before. I just enjoyed your blog and you’ve got me really thinking about it. Maybe it is like Harry in When Harry Met Sally and the sex part always gets in the way? But I don’t think this is always true either. Thank you for your blog

  • Rob– I was just thinking about earlier today and thinking that I missed your voice. This is a great piece. We never stop learning about how to negotiate non-romantic friendships with people we are attracted to. There are so many types of love and intimacy.

  • Wonderful piece!! I wish more men would read this ๐Ÿ™‚ I, at 62, for the first time in my life have a male friend, and he is just a friend, one the best friends I’ve ever had!! So nice to have a close man friend, I am a lot older than him so that rules out the whole sex thing but its all good! Michelle

  • This is really interesting, Rob. Thank you for sharing all of this. She sounds amazing and I’m really happy for you. And I appreciate your honesty and really enjoy reading about your growth. It’s inspiring and refreshing!!

  • Wow, what a wonderful tribute to your friend and also this is great insight to women about the thoughts into how some, nah most men deal with women. ๐Ÿ™‚ I was reading this and saw so many of my male “friends”. “I didnโ€™t do it maliciously, I just thought that was the best way to the end zone.ย ” I have lots and lots of male friends but there is always that little nudging, that I have to nudge back and remind, hey, it’s me remember, married, happy, not happening, let’s get back on track. I’ve had some insightful, meaningful friendships with men but what you just wrote filled in a lot of the blanks that had escaped me.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. Interesting commentary, i like your response to your friends advances lol. Im 53 and ive only had 1 maybe if i stretch 2 friends that were similar. But she is in a league of her own

      • It’s good you found her. It has opened you up to a whole new experience that seems to be fulfilling, and that’s what growing is all about. What a blessing. Yeah my male friends they are all pretty harmless. If you set the boundaries early it’s pretty easy. But every once and a while, out of the blue, there will be a remark, and I’m like, man did you forget who you are talking too?? It’s never offending but it did always make me wonder, where did that come from? It wasn’t logical to me. But after reading your post it kind of clicked why sometimes they do that lol.

      • Ah, so perfectly penned. Sometimes these things just can’t be helped๐Ÿ˜‰

      • It’s not easy for them if your a good friend and hot! Then again, if your married that’s a different story. Fortunately I always avoided forbidden fruit. Never was a home wrecker. If your taken your taken, game over. There’s always some schmuck that wants what he cant have. I always went for what i could lol or they me…does that even make sense?๐Ÿค”

      • Yes, yes, it makes perfect sense. You said you were all bad and yet you didn’t want to be a home wrecker ๐Ÿ™‚ I suspect there’s a lot more good in you than you give yourself credit for. But such is life isn’t it? We always see the worst things we do and keep gnawing on them. Or at least I do. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • I wasn’t all bad lol. I just went after women for all the wrong reasons lol

      • LOL I always knew you weren’t “all” bad. I just wondered sometimes if YOU knew that ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Good point, as usual

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