My Ruminations: Friendship


Thought I’d create a new section of posts for my blog:  Just Another Rumination.  Simple thoughts and questions that sometimes enter and exit my overactive imagination.

So I’ve been at this particular facility for over two weeks.  I am friendly towards my roommate, but we don’t go to chow together.

I am friendly to other residents, but I have no deep conversations.

I am congenial to everyone, I am not isolating, yet no one takes the time to even say my name.

Why the hell do I continue to struggle to make friends?  What is it about my demeanor that prevents this from happening?

Everyone is so damn cliquey here.  I am once again baffled by my inability to fit in.  I’m exhausted in this concept.


  • I’m friendly to everyone too, but have always struggled to fit in with others. Over time I’ve become ok with that. I’m really not a social sort and have seen myself turning people away from friendship unconsciously. I went to yoga teacher training for a month and everyone was making lifelong friendships but not me. I guess it wasn’t my priority. I can say though, that when I do let someone in it’s meaningful and I’m totally loyal.

  • I can totally relate to this. For myself, my father moved us around a lot because he had his own issues – alcohol and gambling mostly. We were evicted or a job didn’t work out or whatever. I ended up going to 10 different schools for my K-12 life. I don’t think I really ever knew exactly what having a true friend was. I did have friendships of sorts, but I have been molded into a vagabond of sorts, and even as an adult, have felt a need to move, change, not be bound in tradition…all this is against the stream of the masses. Anyway…you are not alone in these feelings. I long for a friend – a true intimate relationship with another woman that I can talk to about absolutely anything. My husband and I are friends of course, but I want a woman friend.

  • I suspect that you might be a little intimidating. My guess is that no matter how vulnerable you are feeling you would never let them see you sweat, never let yourself need them. Combine that with your intellect, introspection and sarcasm. . . intimidating.

  • In a limited population it may be harder to find like minded souls even though you’re experiencing a common situation and may even have similar backgrounds. Do you see how much easier it is to make friends here? We pull toward people we relate to and pull them toward us. These relationships are no less important. I’ve made some truly wonderful friends this way. 😊

    • Good points! Yes, this is like my true home here with folks like you! The “real” world seems to offer me very little stimulation and meaning

      • It’s true! My ‘real world’ friends only fill me up so far. They are good for companionship and socializing, but some of my most rewarding exchanges: ideas, conversation, history, art, psychology – the deeper things- have happened within this community. Write on, right?

  • Sometimes to protect ourselves from any perceived rejection we send out signals that project a . message that we prefer to be left alone. Not saying this is the the case…just sayin. Doc Holly.

    • You’re probably right lol. What do I call this leave me the fuck alone radar? Lol

      • That works. 🙂

      • My sister says I just ooze with that kind of “leave me the fuck alone” vibe all day for people that don’t know me.

      • I’m feeling better already

      • I really hope that isn’t sarcasm. lol

        I just think that some of us – especially those of us with ties to the military – have a presentation that some people, civilians, don’t know what to do with. They don’t understand particular forms of etiquette that we might have taken for granted.

      • No sarcasm whatsoever. You served?

      • As matter of fact no. My father was a Vietnam vet that chose to stay in after the war. I was born into the military life. He retired after I was 14. Here I am at 40 now and people will ask me 15 minutes of meeting me if I have. That’s how entrenched the military life is. When my father retired and moved us off base, I was truly overwhelmed and had a hard time fitting in. I didn’t know what to think of people back then. As far as I was concerned, my peers did not know how to behave. I stuck out like sore thumb. I’m not as bad as I used to be (I hope) but still have a hard time.

      • Thank you for spending the time and sharing a bit of your life with me this morning, it meant a lot

      • Sorry if it wasn’t relevant to you specifically. I’m not always the best at reaching out and connecting with others.

      • It made me feel good. No apology necessary. You did a fabulous job

      • I feel better then. 🙂 But I do think part of this issue you are describing is the disconnect that comes from leaving the structure, etiquette, and decorum that is the military that the civilian world just simply doesn’t have. It gave us a sense of community that anchored us and when it’s gone it leaves a void. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that void. Every vet has felt this. Every retiree has felt this. My father complains about it all the time. Not in so many words. But he feels it. My siblings feel it. I think there would be something wrong with us if we didn’t feel it.

      • Well I am in a VA program living with other vets. I express feelings at times and people just look through me. I show mild interest in them and it only goes so far. I dunno, maybe it’s just cause I’m sick and don’t feel so well. Thank you for your kind thoughts though

      • It’s possible they aren’t in a good place inside themselves either. You say that you are sick and that you don’t feel so well. But here you are online reaching out and building a community for yourself. Sounds like to me you are a seed that has begun to germinate and sprout. How many of them are doing that? They may still be seeds in the resting phase, waiting for the nourishment needed for germination. Everyone grows at a different rate. So be there for them and we will be here for you. Someday maybe they’ll be able to be there for you too.

      • Thank you so much. I try to be here for them but it’s like I’m invisible. Anyway, it’s all good

      • It will take time. <3

  • I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, Rob. But I see your situation a little differently. I think you are a contrast from most guys in a good way…you’re introspective…contemplative…deep. You’re not satisfied with superficial friendships…rather you need real connections with people.

    It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. I never feel like I fit in. But just know that the few people who are in your life right now really do care about you. And no…there is nothing ‘wrong’ with your demeanor. ☺️

    Hugs ☺️

    • Thank you so much for this Phoebe. You always know just what to say to make me feel better. I’m not necessarily depressed about it. I just am exasperated about it. I’m finding myself just going with it now. I’m not going to let it define me. Thanks for your love and support!

  • I often feel as if I’m an alien. It’s weird how everyone gets along with everyone else yet we are isolated. Maybe are minds are just too brilliant for them to comprehend. Maybe we’re truly not on their level; we’re above. Only thing to do is accept that and be content with who we are and where we are.

  • It actually happens to everyone even though they may not say it, nothing odd Robbie.

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