Ugh, I’m so disgusted. Ever since Annamoji came on the scene, her and Rob are having these crisis’s of conscience! What does that mean for me? DOOM!
They told me to confess my 10 worst childhood crimes (and later my top 10 Adult crimes) or they would relegate me to Rob’s subconscious again. That’s some bullshit! But, I like breathing fresh air and hitting on you chics here, so I guess it’s time to come clean.
All I ask is that you don’t judge me! I haven’t been my “self” since there’s Rob and Annamoji to contend with! You don’t know what it’s like to live with an Ego–Rob, and a Superego–Annamoji. The struggle is real, dammitt. Any sympathy comments at the end are welcome.
*1. I almost burned down a tenement row when I was 8. Me and my brother John went behind our apartment row and saw the door was open. It was empty except for some paint cans. I flicked a match I found into the paint can and we ran. When we came back the paint can was on fire! I ran to the faucet but the water was shut off. We got the hell out of there.
We came back a little later on and the entire room was ablaze! We got the hell out of there and across the street. That’s when John exclaimed that smoke was coming out of the roof! We pounded on a neighbors door in another tenement row and the fire department came. We got our pictures in the paper for saving the building. My mother grilled us for an hour, saying she knew we had something to do with it. We held up under the pressure.
*2. I used to steal money off my father’s dresser and buy kids ice cream in elementary school.
*3. I used to steal my mother’s jewelry and give it to girls I liked.
*4. The first time I ever stole something from a store was gum at Bradlees. I got caught and had to wait for my mother to come. I got my ass tore up.
*5. I completely destroyed the inside of a car wash adjacent to my house at age 12. I stole a radio from inside, showed my brother Joe, and he ratted me out that prick.
*6. Also at 12, I found out a kid had all these Liberty Silver Dollars in his house. One day, I climbed up his front porch, broke into a window, and stole them. He had over 150 of them. My mother found them and locked them in a box that sat next to the refrigerator. Sometimes it would be unlocked and I would steal some and use them for junk food and baseball cards.
*7. I got kicked out of the Webster House–a group home for troubled teens, at 13 for smoking pot. They shipped me to the Youth Detention Center. YDC is a lock up facility for juvenile delinquents.
*8. When I was 17, I worked at a gas station. I walked into the office and there was a huge pile of money on it. I stuck it in my pants and bolted out. I circumvented the street grid, coming at the store from a different angle. I shouted to my boss that someone was running out of the store. Trying to deflect attention from me. Of course, I was caught and had to spend weekends in jail for 6 months.
*9. My new job at a resort in Weirs Beach, Laconia New Hampshire was another place I walked into the office, found a pile of money and stole it. I walked back in 20 minutes later and the lady fired me.
*10. In 1983, at age 18, I stole over 150 albums from a record store. I tucked them under my heavy winter jacket.
I guess at some point I’m supposed to give you my top 10 Adult Crimes as well. Yay for me. Don’t be haters!
Now that I am free from Rob–mostly, he’s still all over my shit–I wanted to let all you lovely ladies know the top 10 things I am looking for in my next 9 month relationship–>Stay With Me Dummies!
After you read this, if you think you’ve got the mettle to walk with Adonis here, you know how to get in touch with me. Even emojis need love you know! And Rob, stay the hell out of this one! I’m lonely for cripes sake! Just because you’re a drunk and homeless doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everybody else. Capiche AMIGO?
Top 10 Things I Want In A Woman(by Robmoji Avatar–what, did you think I had Rob’s last name? Dummy!)
*1. She has to have been broken. Not so I can fix her, dummies. So I know that her heart and soul are deep and true. SO I know that she is utterly lovely inside. She will have a tremendous respect for life that we can share. I will respect her so much more. We will share storms in common. She will also understand that I may have a few (minor) issues. And that is incredibly important because, well, I’m complicated.
*2. She has to be an animal in the sheets. Nothing mental here you wackos out there. Robmoji don’t play that. A woman who is confident in her own skin. A woman who exudes, no, perspires sexuality. A woman who takes charge and can be taken charge of. Ok, you get the point. Cripes, I could write a novel on this.
*3. She must have high self esteem. Nothing less attractive than a woman who constantly puts herself down, can’t spend an hour by herself, compares herself to other women. I want a woman who is sure of herself. She commands the room. She doesn’t walk, she glides. She believes in herself, always. She knows herself. She accepts herself for who she is.
*4. She must be handy with tools. I don’t do protractors, buzz saws, rip saws, whatever. I can use a screwdriver and hammer. A woman with a toolbelt–only–I think would be hot.
*5. She has to have a license. Thanks to Rob, I can’t drive until June. Then, the idiot has to put some machine in his–nonexistent–car and blow in it to start it. How pathetic is that? Besides, I don’t think licenses are legal for Avatars yet. Hopefully you can drive well enough not to kill me. NO texting and driving! EVER.
*6. She must be willing to use hair color. That’s right, hair color. I figure that way, when I start getting sick of the way you look, I’ll just ask you to change your hair color. That should buy at least, what, 3 months before another change is required? Plus I’ll feel like I’m with a new woman, with the same qualities! The honeymoon clock would be reset! Just think, we could move that 9 month benchmark back many times over. Fuck soul mates, give me Clairol. Sorry, you’ll have to buy your own, I’m saving for a new laptop.
*7. She must be a good friend. Friends talk about everything. Friends understand one another and don’t hold grudges. Friends are able to forgive without resentments building. Friends are able to be cool with each other without pressures of unrealistic relationship expectations. Friends can talk openly and still have sex together–well, some can.
*8. She must be smart. It would be insanely lucky if she were a writer. NO, I’m not just saying that because I’m on a blog dummy. Sitting side by side at different desks, writing by candlelight, with incense burning, oh my that would be ethereal. Not book smart necessarily, but that would be nice. Life smart, street smart, savvy in the ways of the world. Because, sometimes I haven’t been, so it would be nice to have someone who can pick me up during the times I fall. Yes, cripes, I’ll do the same. You people are so predictable.
*9. She must take care of herself. Listen, I’m not looking for a supermodel–though your application will be accepted!–I just want someone who doesn’t all of a sudden, 5 months into our relationship, is stuffing bon bons under her pillow and cheezits in her bra. I want someone who takes pride in her appearance and wants to look good for ME all the time! Oh, I HATE excessive makeup, so if you are trying out to be a mannequin, no need to apply.
*10. She has to be an intelligent communicator. What I mean is that she can speak her mind. She is able to discuss things and then move on in life, not build a file on all my wrongdoings–cause there will be a few! She needs to be smart enough to know when NOT to communicate–like if I’m having a mood and need time alone. She needs to be able to ask the right questions to get beyond my issues.
That’s all. I HIGHLY doubt any of you qualify. However, feel free to refer your mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, friend to me for further consideration. Now go away.