I’m Still Sober–Barely

51 comments

wp-1484928101125.jpgWell tomorrow will be one week since I left the VA Treatment Center in Brockton, and landed in this Transitional House in another part of the state.  I wish I could say things are just ducky but they are not.

First of all, this is not the rural location I was hoping for; far from it.  The huge house I live in, it’s got 4 3 floor apartments in it, sits squarely on a residential street lined with houses.  No lawns, hardly a tree, just houses sitting on top of each other.  I live on the third floor, in a fairly spacious room at least.  However, it is 100 degrees up there constantly and I wake up sweating profusely on a regular basis.

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Then there’s the new VA.  It is over 100 years old.  The buildings are beat up.  They decided to build the -ugliest outside tunnel system around the interior perimeter, destroying any charm the campus once had.  And there is wifi only if you can find it.  This enrages me.  I have found a few choice locations to stand in, but forget walking and texting, not happening.  They also take smoking outside ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THREE SMOKE SHACKS, very seriously.  I have already been spoken to twice by VA Police.

And no longer am I helping paralyzed veterans go through their days.  No more muffin conversations with my friend Jim.  No more post office runs for Ken.  No more bedside visits with the Sergeant Major.  No, nothing special like that.  Instead, I get to empty a dishwasher in the kitchen.  I have to be there at 6:15 in the morning, ungodly hour.  I am there for 9 hours, but I get two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch.

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My actual work time is about 3 hours.  The rest of the time I am thinking of various ways to pull the eyes out of my head.  It’s not the actual job that sucks–though it sucks indeed–it’s the down time that is murderous.  And remember, there is no WiFi, so I have to duck out and hide if I want to text my dear friend.  The friend who has been my rock through this entire ordeal.  The friend who, without, I am not sure I would still be sane.

And let’s talk about the town.  Ah yes, the town without an identity.  This is the most fucked up town I have ever seen.  On the one hand you have lots of college students. Then you have the soccer mom types strolling out of Stop N’ Shop with their go green grocery bags.  Then you have a large community of lesbians which make this town their home.  The place has no real identity, it’s hard to explain it to you unless you saw it. You would immediately know what I am talking about here.

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The downtown is a hodgpodge of weird, useless shops.  There are way too many restaurants and not enough pizza and sub shops.  The other side of main street is rundown, with empty lots, deserted buildings and car dealerships.  It’s about as depressing of a place as I have ever known.

And the trees and grass and woods and lakes and ponds?  Nowhere to be seen.  Everyone was like “Oh man, it’s so beautiful out there!”  Really?  Where the fuck did it go?  I am being totally serious when I tell you that I nearly cried as I was being driven to the house from the VA on that first day.  I felt like I did the first day I landed in Basic Training, in the pouring deluge of rain that night, thinking “What the hell did I just do?”

So ya, you might be noticing a severe lack of gratitude and acceptance.  And, to be quite honest, right now I am so overwhelmed at the shitty aspect of ALL of my move, that those have gone by the fucking wayside.  I couldn’t get lucky in just one aspect of this move?  Decent town?  Decent Job?  Decent VA?  Decent neighborhood? Decent environment?  NO NO NO NO NO.  Add to that I left the few friends that I had behind, lost my regular psychiatrist and I lost my dear therapist Molly.  Ya, I’m going through a tough time that kind of took me by surprise.  But I am still sober!

Sorry my first post in awhile is this, but that’s where I am at.  If it wasn’t for me digging really deep, and having the best of friends anyone could ever hope for, I’d be in deep shit.  As it is, I have  mist of depression that is creeping in.  And, if this mist turns into a fog, acceptance and gratitude are going to be the least of my problems.

(FINE, HERE’S A FEW POSITIVES:)

  1. I just found the computer room which is decent.
  2. The Wifi works in my room.
  3. Dunkin’ Donuts is 5 minutes away.
  4. I am still sober.
  5. I am not truly alone.

Happy now?  You probably are all wondering what the big deal is, I hope that some of you truly get this.  I am so sick of not catching a break.  So sick of nothing going my way.  Of course I am glad I’m not in jail in sober, but is that all I am going to be happy for in life?  Bullshit!  I want a higher quality of life, I deserve it.  I feel misled about what this place was, where it was and now I am stuck here.  Ya, I’ll make the best of it, but that’s not even my damn point.

Oh, and here’s what I get to look at to the right from my fancy new porch:

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Ya, not fucking cool.  And the view directly in front of me?  Ya, that sucks even more:

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51 comments on “I’m Still Sober–Barely”

  1. Rob, I went through the same experience. I was moved to an apartment complex riddled with drug users, crime and three murders. Where they (the program) testing me? No. It is was it is for now and I have to deal with it. Look at it as a stepping stone. This is what got through me for most days, “It’s transitional housing . . . it’s temporary”. Keep the chin up and time will go by. Soon you’ll be looking for your own place in a couple months from now, a year (it doesn’t matter). It’ll just be another chapter in your life. Perhaps dismal but full of experiences to make you stronger for your life in the future.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, I read the entire blog. If you can write THAT WELL in your STATE OF MIND, you’re a survivor, you have talent, and you should definitely aim high and write to publish a book that will be read by many more people than are on WordPress. You have talent bro! And the views from your windows!? Straight out of a Stephen King novel…!! It’s surreal!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hang in there Rob. The fact that you haven’t drank or used over all these feelings is a major win from where I stand. My sponsor always tells me (and I’ve found it to be true) that if I put my sobriety first, everything else will fall into place. Not that everything will always be bright and sunny–or sometimes even just decent–but things will work out. Like devotional guy said–if we work it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Mark thank you so much. I’m just dealing with all these disappointments. I have to remember my blessings, I’m letting myself get a bit caught up. Thanks so much!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Rob, happy to see a new post from you. I have wondered how you were doing with recovery. You’re right, all those things you mentioned do suck. And I’m glad you were able to find some small positives. None of these things are worth losing your sobriety over. That’s the main thing. Right? You’re starting over. It’s gonna be an uphill climb more times than not at first. It would be nice if it weren’t. And sure, if society understood addiction better than maybe the quality of the resources would be better. But, it beats being hunkered over a porcelain god puking your guts out or waking up feeling like a mack truck ran over you and having no clue of what, when, or who you did. Chances are you woke up today, your head not pounding, your heart not racing, and feeling a little more energetic. When I have days like you describe I have to turn the focus from me to Him. Otherwise, it’s all turns to shit.Peace out brother. Keep on keeping on. It works if you work it. Much love and respect.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So grateful for this, so perfectly timed, thank you very much. You are right. And nothing will cause me to drink, I just want something to go my way once in awhile. Thanks so much again!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Rob! It’s so good to see you on here! Thanks for the update!
    Ugh, I am so sorry it is so sucky! What an insight into the system, though. My heart goes out to you that you are in such an uninspiring place. But i hope it helps to be reminded of what an inspiration you are! I hope you can remember that when it feels so gloomy. Hang in there. I totally get it…I literally just talked my brother out of drinking for the night because of certain family circumstances…I know you can do it too. Look how far you have come, even if present environment doesn’t reflect that right now.
    So what’s the deal, where exactly are you?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Good morning thank you for That! And blessings to you for the love you showed your brother. I don’t want to say exactly because of a particular individual. I’ll be ok, just an off night and I needed to vent. Thank you for your kind comments as always.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand (about the privacy, I mean). And I am glad you vented…so important to reach out!
        And you are very welcome.
        Good things will come when you least expect them 🙂
        And thank you for your comments, I pray for blessings on you too. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. It seems like you’re in a really tough place right now and I’m sure it’s really hard for you at the moment but nothing in life is permanent and I really hope it gets better for you soon. As hard as it may be try to stay positive.

    Liked by 2 people

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