Monthly Archives: March 2017

My Miscellany: Men And Women Friends?

my_miscellany_on_recoverywise

I want to take a moment and tell you about my friend.  My friend is very unusual.  That’s because my friend is a woman.

Now, before you laugh, let me explain.  I’ve never had a female friend.  I would like to be able to say that one of the longer term relationships I had involved friendship.  I thought that once.  But I don’t any longer.

Most of the women in my life were pursued by me.  They were pursued for companionship and sex.  In my 20’s all the women in my life were sexual conquests.  I hate to use that term, but I was spastically promiscuous.  I thought my answers lie with women and booze.

Boy was I wrong!  Neither of those approaches to life got me anywhere.  It got me heartache, loneliness, despair, confusion, jail, and on and on and on.  The hole in my gut had to be filled by ME.  No woman or no drug or substance was going to do that for me.  Ironically, it was booze and a woman that finally landed me in jail and into recovery.

I’d like to clarify something:  I do have feelings for my friend.  I am physically attracted to her.  However, she has taught me how to be a friend.  She has taught me that it IS possible for a man to be friends with a woman.  I suppose you can say I landed in the “Friend Zone” haha!  I think I still have one foot out, but I digress.

Some of you are probably shaking your heads going “No shit” men can be friends with a woman.  Well, I was either to afraid to try it, or I didn’t believe it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have feelings for my friend.  We had started out flirting.  Me more than her.  That’s because I liked her.  But here’s this major distinction:  she expressed how important it was for us to be friends.  I was like “UGH.”  I was like what the fuck happened?

Well, dear readers, what happened was that I almost bolted (twice) because I wasn’t sure I wanted any part of this friendship thing.  But we had been interacting for a bit when this came about.  I really liked this girl.  I really enjoyed being around her.  But now she was saying we had to be just friends.  I was torn and emotionally distraught.  But it came to me the next day (each time), I valued her presence in my life more than I valued being macho-get-the-girl-man.  So I stuck around.  And she let me!

She could have easily said this isn’t worth it.  She could have just said she was all set.  But she stood by me.  And that’s what she has been doing from the word go.  And she has taught me so much about myself, about her, and about true friendship.  I do sometimes push the envelope from friendship to romance, but she does maintain vigilance, I’ll give her that haha!

Look, I used to be a creature of habit when it came to meeting women.  I just learned what worked and what didn’t.  I played games.  I used my words.  I used my sex.  I didn’t do it maliciously, I just thought that was the best way to the end zone.  I’ve had several long term relationships that all had their merits.  They just didn’t last.  For two reasons:  I always ended up with woman who were opposite, as in opposites attract (that’s a future post I have just decided) and MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY:  none of them were ever my friend.

I could never talk about anything with them.  I couldn’t have a bad day or there was emotional annihilation.  I always felt I had to be a certain way.  One girlfriend would get bullshit if I didn’t like all her fucking Facebook posts.  Very few of them had their own friends to go out with.  I could never just be myself.  It was always, let’s go out to dinner.  Yes, once or twice a couple women went fishing with me, but they didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not blaming them, trust me, you all know I am no angel.

But I got off track.  My friend is not only tremendously honest, she is extremely non-judgmental.  I can be myself with her.  She doesn’t just require disclosures from me, she shares her own.  When I take risks, she doesn’t run from me, she takes her own.  She shows interest in what’s happening in my life.  She’s always has a kind word.  We can talk about anything together.  And do it for hours, day in and day out.

She is the kind of woman you could spend the rest of your life with and KNOW it was the best decision you ever made.  She is funny, smart, beautiful, talented in many ways.  She is insightful and creative.  She is a woman warrior, a survivor.  She is funny.  She is caring and kind.  She is open-minded about many things.  She is entertaining and interesting.  I trust her.  I respect her.  I admire her for reasons she knows.

As a result of our friendship, I have changed.  I have changed for the better.  I catch myself if I am being generic.  I don’t write things to her just to write them.  I don’t act inappropriately.  I don’t say things to her because they look or sound good.  I don’t treat her like a sex object.  I don’t write her romance or sexual poetry just because I know that she will love it.

I don’t pressure her for emotional returns.  I guess I really don’t do anything I used to do with other women.  And I have her to thank for that.  She has actually shown me how to be a better person.  I consider her my best friend, not just any friend.

Take a moment out of your day, and acknowledge one of your good friends.  Oh my are they so few and far between.  Thank you for being a tremendous human being, and a great friend!

I do still try to sneak some stuff in there once in awhile though, heh heh.

My Recovery: It’s Now Or Never

my_recovery

So it’s been a little while since I discussed my recovery.  I can’t catch you all up if you haven’t been following, but here is the Reader’s Digest version:

On May 12, 2016 I went to jail for 5 months.  I cam out sober into a 2 month program, then I went to the current program.  I’ve been here for 3 1/2 months.

There you go!  Well, on Tuesday I had a phone interview with the new place I have been considering.  Normally I have been applying the principles of Acceptance, Gratitude, Spirituality, Mindfulness and living in the Now, to cope with day to day situations.  Alas, after my phone call, this was not to be!

What happened is that I turned all the information about the new place into negatives.  I was also upset that they wanted me to move there next Monday or Tuesday.  I had a meltdown.  I got sad, pissed, depressed.  I was considering looking for another program.  If it were not for my best friend, it could have been much worse.  But, thanks to her love, understanding, and insightful advice, I was able to come to my senses.

It was about a 2 hour period of time that I was distraught.  I was pissed at myself for not utilizing my coping strategies.  I should have seen this coming.  By the time I went to bed that evening, I had pretty much resolved the situation in my mind.  I was back to my old self-pretty much-and decided to bite the bullet.  But the situation had me wondering:  why the meltdown?”  Why such an emotional response to moving onward and upward in my sobriety?

The answer crept up on me sometime yesterday.  I was afraid!  I feared moving out of the safety and security of the institutions I’ve been part of for nearly 11 months!  I was shocked.  This new program is much more like living on your own than relying upon a program with a slew of staff at your beck and call.  I realized that in treatment I may have gotten a little too comfortable.  I did what I was supposed to do, but I didn’t put in due diligence and fully prepare for re-entry into the “real” world.  I will not make that mistake again, I can assure you.

The new place quite demanding in getting you to pursue a job and a place to live as soon as possible.  They require rent.  They require you to provide for yourself in every basic way.  They also do not drug test.  So recovery is now “real:”  no safety net to keep you from drinking.  I realized that the thought of being thrust into society like that made me very apprehensive.  Then I started thinking it through and had the kinds of thought processes I have had all along:  I GOT THIS.  It’s time to get it done.

Any program or place I go is going to have its pluses and minuses.  I reacted immaturely, and irrationally.  But I recovered quickly and got my head out of my ass!  Any place I go is going to be one step closer to getting my life back.  Any place I go I will need to integrate myself back into living my own life.  It’s one step closer to perhaps going back to school.  Life is standing at my doorstep.  Sink or Swim.  Game Time.  The Big Show.  And you know what?  I GOT THIS.

I am going to face the challenges head on and come out on top.  I am not going to worry about finding a place to live, a job, food, rent, or any other obstacle.  I am going to live in the NOW, as in right this moment.  I am going to focus on what I can control and let go of what I cannot.  And, although I did lose my shit for a few hours, I got myself back to good pretty quickly.  And I allowed myself to show vulnerability to my friend, and she came through with flying colors.  I am blessed.  Truly.

So that’s it folks.  I should be moving out of here within 2 weeks.  Onward and upward.  I’m ready for the next challenge.  I will update you once I get settled.  And I am ready for Spring!

Spirituality: So Said The Lord

joshua

No ONE and Nothing!

My Miscellany: Thank You For You!

my_miscellany_on_recoverywise

friend on justruminating men's blog Because of you I am learning for the first time in my 53 years what a friendship between a man and woman can be!

Poetry: Their Sorrow

Life is
but a show
for stars
the moon
and the sun.

Emotions are
for little kids
as they play
and run.

Love is
just a fairytale
from books
from poems
never to be won.

Living is
just a dream
from which
we never wake.

Feelings are
awful things
their pain
their sorrow
strong they ache.

Love is
but a fantasy
never a reality
never can partake.

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