Ugh, I’m so disgusted. Ever since Annamoji came on the scene, her and Rob are having these crisis’s of conscience! What does that mean for me? DOOM!
They told me to confess my 10 worst childhood crimes (and later my top 10 Adult crimes) or they would relegate me to Rob’s subconscious again. That’s some bullshit! But, I like breathing fresh air and hitting on you chics here, so I guess it’s time to come clean.
All I ask is that you don’t judge me! I haven’t been my “self” since there’s Rob and Annamoji to contend with! You don’t know what it’s like to live with an Ego–Rob, and a Superego–Annamoji. The struggle is real, dammitt. Any sympathy comments at the end are welcome.
*1. I almost burned down a tenement row when I was 8. Me and my brother John went behind our apartment row and saw the door was open. It was empty except for some paint cans. I flicked a match I found into the paint can and we ran. When we came back the paint can was on fire! I ran to the faucet but the water was shut off. We got the hell out of there.
We came back a little later on and the entire room was ablaze! We got the hell out of there and across the street. That’s when John exclaimed that smoke was coming out of the roof! We pounded on a neighbors door in another tenement row and the fire department came. We got our pictures in the paper for saving the building. My mother grilled us for an hour, saying she knew we had something to do with it. We held up under the pressure.
*2. I used to steal money off my father’s dresser and buy kids ice cream in elementary school.
*3. I used to steal my mother’s jewelry and give it to girls I liked.
*4. The first time I ever stole something from a store was gum at Bradlees. I got caught and had to wait for my mother to come. I got my ass tore up.
*5. I completely destroyed the inside of a car wash adjacent to my house at age 12. I stole a radio from inside, showed my brother Joe, and he ratted me out that prick.
*6. Also at 12, I found out a kid had all these Liberty Silver Dollars in his house. One day, I climbed up his front porch, broke into a window, and stole them. He had over 150 of them. My mother found them and locked them in a box that sat next to the refrigerator. Sometimes it would be unlocked and I would steal some and use them for junk food and baseball cards.
*7. I got kicked out of the Webster House–a group home for troubled teens, at 13 for smoking pot. They shipped me to the Youth Detention Center. YDC is a lock up facility for juvenile delinquents.
*8. When I was 17, I worked at a gas station. I walked into the office and there was a huge pile of money on it. I stuck it in my pants and bolted out. I circumvented the street grid, coming at the store from a different angle. I shouted to my boss that someone was running out of the store. Trying to deflect attention from me. Of course, I was caught and had to spend weekends in jail for 6 months.
*9. My new job at a resort in Weirs Beach, Laconia New Hampshire was another place I walked into the office, found a pile of money and stole it. I walked back in 20 minutes later and the lady fired me.
*10. In 1983, at age 18, I stole over 150 albums from a record store. I tucked them under my heavy winter jacket.
I guess at some point I’m supposed to give you my top 10 Adult Crimes as well. Yay for me. Don’t be haters!