My Recovery: Live Or Memorex?

9 comments

wp-1484928101125.jpgSomeone just recently asked me if it was possible to be accountable on a blog.  That is to say, can I hold myself accountable for my addiction to a bunch of strangers?

Well, first of all, I don’t consider any of you strangers.  Obviously I do not know over 1,100 of you intimately.  But I do believe I can hold myself accountable by telling the truth to you here.

Does that replace holding myself accountable in the “real” world?  Of course not.  Many of you who have been following me know that I have been in jail.  You know I was in an 8 week program.  You know I am currently in a 3 month program.  And, you know that I am going onto a 6 month work program.

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I have also posted the most difficult letter I have ever had to write:  the one to my Ex-Wife.  You also got to read her scathing response.  So this idea that we can’t hold ourselves accountable, unless we make amends to a person we have harmed, and also disclose the exact nature of our wrongdoings to another person, to me is not true.

I suppose it is certainly safer to do so here.  You are on the other side of the computer from me.  You are not physically present for my disclosures.  Does this lessen the impact of my revelations to you?  Do you think that it is possible for an addict to be able to come clean online and have it matter?”  Or do you think it’s a cop-out from the “real” thing?recovery2

Those of you who follow me know that I do not pitch one form of recovery over another.  I practice multiple approaches to keep me sober.  To me, you are very real, very tangible, and I am still daunted by some of the details of the exact natures of my wrongdoings yet to be told to you.

I do not believe that one should make amends to those we have harmed.  In most instances they want nothing to do with us.  None of my former girlfriends or wife want anything to do with me.  I haven’t really harmed that many people. I have harmed mainly myself.  So I have to make amends to my community here.

And I think that counts for something…big time

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9 comments on “My Recovery: Live Or Memorex?”

  1. I don’t think it’s a cop out, especially if you’re approaching it from a multifaceted approach. Not that I have any real opinion, I’m back on day 5 and still need to put some real effort into mine. I started my blog a week sober after a self help day, and thought – yeah this is great. Fucked up, and suddenly regretted that I’d posted it online. But, I guesse it’s just part of the journey. The thing is, it’s impossible to get things right first time, without doing anything yourself regularly to keep it going. I like the idea of continuing to post blogs, I love that you’ve made a whole new support network. 🙂

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  2. I don’t know if I would have been able to go through the early days of recovery publicly. I did it very privately because I didn’t want to be accountable in case it didn’t take haha. So I guess I was only accountable to me. I think I was a year sober before I said out loud that I was an alcoholic. I think you are incredibly brave to talk about your recovery like you do and this is definitely not a cop out!

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  3. It might be “safer” but still hard to do none the less. It’s never easy to say I did this or that wrong. But it’s a step. I feel once you say whatever you did, that you feel is wrong, then it gets easier to say it again, and again. In the end, I believe it is really about self forgiveness. Or I could be totally wrong, but I had to forgive me, for all the crappy things I did before I could accept that anyone else could forgive me.

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  4. I personally believe that forgiveness is a solo journey, for the ones hurt and for the one’s responsible for the hurting. And besides, ‘wrongdoing’ will never be fully interpreted by either in the same way. We are all just doing our best and all falling miserably short. It is interesting though, I also interpreted her question as ‘accountable’ in the form of truth. Though again, we can only do our best. Our psyche sometimes demands that we hide the truth from ourselves to survive and therein, we can only be accountable for what we can see, knowing there is always more behind the veil.

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