My Ruminations: My Ex Wrote Back

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justruminatingIf you haven’t read my Letter To My Ex, this post won’t make much sense.  I was married from 1991-1996.

Well, I got an email from her last night.  Ironic she chose Valentine’s Day to respond.  Of course, because I boycotting media yesterday, I didn’t get it until this morning.

Needless to say it was tremendously upsetting.  I can’t say I don’t deserve most of what she said, but still, it was very painful, and sorrowful to read; especially where she mentioned that my oldest son, Nick, was somehow injured in the Marines.  She never even at least contacted me to tell me.

As you know I do not hold back.  So I am entering the content of her email below.  Two things that are completely inaccurate:  I never misrepresented whether I was working or not–if I said I wasn’t working and I was, The Department of Revenue would have seized my checks in 2 seconds flat.  Secondly, I do not have a felony record.  Anyway, my plan is to write the boys and take it from there.  Here is her email:  The truth hurts in a big way

Bob,

Almost didn’t bother to respond but figured I would just to give you clarity. You stated I must’ve been surprised to see your name on the envelope, Your name Wasn’t on the envelope, I opened it not knowing who it was from.

Congrats on your sobriety. PTSD….that’s no surprise to me, you had the Worst most traumatic childhood of anyone I’ve ever known and all the sympathy I had for that allowed me to tolerate way too much abusive behavior from you.

I’ve seen your friend Sean Kennedy twice a year, he’d come into the restaurant with his girlfriend where I did a night job, he said you’ve always worked over the years and that when you said you didn’t have a job in court it was perjury a lie, you were working, but that’s old news, I also no longer work there for 2 yrs.

It’s refreshing to actually hear you acknowledge that you were an abusive jerk, however at this point in life, what’s it to me?

I’ve watched many episodes of Intervention and numerous times I’ve seen the addicts devastate the people’s lives emotionally and financially and then in the end it’s ,”Sorry” well sorry didn’t repair my credit for the last 20yrs, Sorry didn’t pay back my parents for the money you took and never gave back.

Bottom line I was a decent wife to you didn’t cheat, didn’t spend your money, did a great job of taking care of our kids, sacrificed 100% of my income for 20 yrs for them, and your past manipulations and bogus court accusations were a slap in the face to me to all the decent things I did for the kids. You say in your letter you want to make reparations, amends, well Matt’s in college and the divorce decree states that you’re responsible for half, so when you get on you feet in Pittsfield, feel free to kick in half of the unpaid tuition, Talk is cheap , actions speak louder than words, you want to help out that’s a perfect way to show you care.

At this point in life I don’t realistically see what role you’d have in my life, I don’t trust you, so you wouldn’t be a friend, keep in mind, it’s not living in the past, it’s called I have a very large protective wall around me and the kids due to being royally fucked over by you,emotionally and financially, why would I want to let a person who’s hurt me the most back into my life? What do I stand to gain from that?  You say you come drama free? That’s delusional, you have severe PTSD and Bipolar a serious mental illness, you have a felony record are homeless and expect me to believe you’re Drama free? You state in your letter that I’m the “ONLY ONE that can bridge the gap between you and the boys” that’s incorrect, they’re both adults and live here, if you want to write to them, then do so, I’m not responsible for repairing your relationship with them, you are. To say that indicates to me that you’re trying to feed my ego, “your the only one” as if I’m important, and needed, and it also implies guilt that if I’m decent I’d do that for you. I’m not obligated to do that for you I have no guilt about it.

Let me make it perfectly clear……….YOU cannot expect the person you screwed the most to be your advocate.  I feel no sense of obligation in taking on that role..

I was well aware that you tried to contact the boys via Facebook, over the years, Nick made me aware and he also stated that for about 4 yrs there was no contact at all.  Let me state that I do not want you to kill yourself, nor do I wish anything bad for you, but I can’t wish you well either, considering the past. The boys deleted their facebooks because at the time, Nick was fresh out of the military and Isis stated it was going to track down military and their families and kill them, it wasn’t that they closed it because of you.

The opposite of love isn’t hate,  because hate is a powerful emotion the other spectrum polar opposite of love,that faded long ago, the opposite of love is indifference.  That’s where I’m at with you today…..indifferent…..don’t care if you’re sober, living large, living shitty, living great, homeless, a millionaire, whatever, it’s not relevant to me. I feel bad for you I actually pity you, that you had a decent family and no longer have contact, I haven’t mentioned your name in 11 years, and don’t speak ill of you or positive of you. Emotionally I have a still pond and don’t want anyone throwing a rock in it, I haven’t had a good life, tremendous hardships , no emotional or financial security whatsoever. You say you’ve changed but people typically don’t , I knew a lot of people in college who did drugs and alcohol and didn’t fuck over other people, I think in the past you had a broken moral compass, don’t know how you’ve fixed that?

If you want to write to the kids, I won’t stand in the way,won’t rip the letters, but I’m not going to be your advocate, leave me out of it, you don’t have a relationship with me, the most I could manage would be maybe 4 yearly updates, and that’s only if the boys agreed, for the record Nick did two deployments to AFganistan, witness horrific things and has a PTSD diagnosis and physical injuries as well and functions w/ a full time job, so my sympathy  is now with him I’m going to take care of my son with issues before I’d consider helping you. I gave you all the sympathy  is the world back in the day, my primary focus has always been on the boys and always will be. For the record I did say to them to contemplate trying to forgive you because I raised them Catholic but that’s as far as I’m going with it. I’m not going to pressure them into anything, again, I don’t wish you anything bad, however at this point with 20or less years left on the planet I can’t say that I want to invest any amount of time in any kind of relationship with you. You can send letters to the boys, keep in mind I showed them your letter and they both didn’t feel the need to respond.

Just stating how I feel not interested in a back and forth pissing contest of negativity. Don’t wish you bad, nor do I wish you good luck, can’t manage it the past was too devastating on all levels, the only good thing about knowing you was getting two great kids out of the deal, Nick is the highest caliber of people and Matt’s a tremendous athlete, set a record nationwide for baseball, but more importantly is a true, kind wonderful person. If I die tomorrow they were my reason for living, I displayed unwaivering devotion to them, and will until my last breath.  You should be thankful that your kids had that kind of motherThat’s all. Peace. Jude

 

59 comments on “My Ruminations: My Ex Wrote Back”

  1. Her words are understandable and I agree that this is a part of the whole process of making amends. On the other hand, the first thought I had was that she had a pity-party (sorry, that is just my opinion based on what I learned) and please do not take that personally.

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    1. I don’t. She was not poverty stricken. I paid child support for 15 years, some years it was $550 per week. And she lived in her parents in law upstairs rent free. It wasn’t 20 years of this. I raised them until 12 and 10. I took them everywhere. Bought them 5 outfits each every summer and september. Doesn’t matter, she believes whatever. I’m in it for the kids, certainly not her. I have zero interest in going back and forth and I’ll never contact her Again. Notice she said she won’t rip up the letters. That’s why I never wrote before. Also, she never mentions to me how she faked being pregnant when I told her I was joining the army. That was 2/91. Suddenly in 9/91 she calls me from stTed, I’m in germany, says she lost the baby. But no fetus, no hospital record, nothing for a 7 month old. That’s why I’m still passed over the email

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    2. I agree with AddictedSophie. She’s a martyr. She said she never talks about you to your kids. Well isn’t that nice? Silence is a deadly weapon especially with kids. It’s manipulative and passive aggressive. I feel sorry for your boys.
      Plus, people show you who they are early on in a relationship. I know that from sad experience, although I think my ex was probably to stoned to notice what he was getting into. But I saw the signs in him. So like, why did she want to marry and bear the children of the a$$hole described in the above letter?
      Sorry, I know you love her and you are making amends. I couldn’t think of a nice way to put it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, i do not love her. Not by a long shot. I am only trying to make things amenable to seeing my kids. I have real regard for her. Thanks you for your comments I appreciate them

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  2. Wow. I keep writing my opinion of this letter from your ex wife and I just can’t stop going on and on. I know this story,with a bit of a tweak. So I’m going to write my story for my blog. You don’t need 5 paragraphs of my opinion in this comment box.

    Yes,contact your sons with all the love, honesty and commitment you have, but with no expectations. And continue to reach out for as long as you can.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, that’s all I can do. She got her message across, painful to read but it mostly was true. I earned it. Some things were not true, which burned my ass, but I have to move beyond it

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  3. At times like this there is nothing that I(or anyone, I believe) could say, that would make you feel better. Meaning a lot I could say but seriously, it wouldn’t help 🙂 There are no magic words. I can only pray for you, your boys, and even your ex, and for you all to have healing and be the people God wants you all to be. That will be the only resolution that will be what’s best, happy, and bring peace for all of you.

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  4. Rob– Please keep in mind that I am a therapist by training and that my response comes from that perspective. I think her response opens a door that her silence wouldn’t have. You did owe her amends– your letter was the right thing to do. Perhaps it would have been better received had you let the amends stand by itself and then mailed her a week later to enlist her help in rebuilding your relationship with your sons. In any case, she provided with valuable information. The best way to show her that you have changed is to respond differently than you would have a year ago or five years ago or ten years ago. Email her back, sincerely thank her for her honesty and time, tell her she gave you a lot to think about (she did) and leave it at that. Then reach out to the men your sons have become.

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    1. Thank you so much for that. I’m just smarting right now. I knew it wasn’t goungbto bebpretty, but when you hear it it’s more jarring than anything I’ve heard because the truth is a killer. But it will set me free too eventually

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        1. They won’t see anything. And I won’t have money to help with his college for quite some time. I resent some of the things she said that weren’t true. But I’ll process through eventually. Right now I’m still pissed off and upset, but I’m trying not to be

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          1. I truly appreciate that you feel that some of her allegations were not true and not fair but score keeping doesn’t accomplish anything. I wouldn’t assume that they wouldn’t see anything– just because they chose not to respond to the letter you wrote to their mother doesn’t mean they wouldn’t respond to a card saying you are thinking of them or a a personalized letter to each of them. My father was a mentally ill drug addict who left my life when I was very young. Had he shown back up or reached out to me I would have needed time and space to process my emotions and respond.

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              1. Please know that I am not judging you or comparing you to my father– there is clearly a lot of history there but I truly believe that if you keep reaching out gently– even if it is just cards saying that you are thinking of them– it is worth the effort. I think there is so much power in saying to your sons “I want to get to know the men you have become.”

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  5. My perspective here is possibly different in that my drug and alcohol addicted father couldn’t get his life together and be who we needed so the last time I saw him was when I was two. He died when I was in high school. Had I the chance, my first letter to him would have been a cathartic venting of the ways in which he hurt me. But I did want a relationship with him and eventually would have tried to reconcile. I’m just saying this to say that you shouldn’t give up but you also probably need a long track record of stability and tenacity in trying to be in their lives. I’m sorry you’re discouraged and I know that letter was painful, but if you want to have anything with your boys, keep fighting for it. Hugs, Rob.

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    1. Thanks Victoria. It seems unfair because the problems I had did not directly affect the children, it affected us. Though I left when they were young I was damn good dad. What she is describing had nothing to do with my children. It pisses me off she left them become collateral damage in our divorce and she knows it all too well. She’s enjoying this and I’m pissed off severely right now I can’t even describe. Whatever I almost don’t give a shit

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      1. No, honey, keep caring. I know you’re upset and angry but give yourself time to move past that. They’ve watched her struggle for years and they probably blame you for it- it’s a hard pill to swallow. But you can still be something to them if you don’t give up.

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