My Recovery: Emotions…Again

87 comments

wp-1484928101125.jpgSo here I am again, stuck talking about my emotions.  Lately, they have been negative.  I feel irritable, frustrated, anxiety-ridden.

I am getting tired of listening to some of these guys talk.  I know I should have patience and tolerance.  But lately I just don’t have it.

I also mentioned in another post that I started a grounds keeping job on Monday.  Well, apparently they don’t do much on the grounds:  they spend most of the time off the grounds and off their feet in front of the tv in the maintenance building.

This in and of itself is not what is bothering me.  What is bothering me is how am I going to kill 6.5 hours per day, 4 days a week, for the next two months?  I’m frustrated there is no leadership, and I’m aggravated that I am trying to take the next step in my recovery and it’s a sham.

feelings on justruminating men's blog

I also was just given 12 hours notice that the remainder of my meager belongings has to be removed from where they are tomorrow morning, or they will be thrown out.  Thanks for the heads up guys!

I’m far enough along in my recovery that I know I have to get my head right.  I know I should be doing something like meditation, reading, mindfulness, etc.  But all I want to do is walk around pissed off.  I have been this way for three days.  I know that I have to somehow get out of the funk.

Even putting more energy into this blog is not shaking me out of it.  Maybe I need to drop down on my knees and start praying.  Hell, I haven’t the stomach for that kind of reality right now, but I am willing to try anything.  At least I do know this much:  battling with my emotions can sometimes feel like all out war!  Drinking was a lot easier than this, I can tell you that!

I have to keep reminding myself that these emotions will pass.  I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to be a prisoner to them.  That I need to acknowledge the emotion and move on, acknowledge the emotion and move on.  I can’t get bogged down with all these emotions.emotions on justruminating men's blog

I’m the master of my emotions, not the other way around.  If I continue to let these emotions master me, and to control my behavior, serious trouble will follow.  So tonight I will pray, and I will pray hard.  I need to regain my mastery of my emotions before I find myself in real trouble.

87 comments on “My Recovery: Emotions…Again”

  1. I really love how brutally honest you are in sharing the good, bad & ugly through your recovery process (although I’m sorry your are going through a rough spot!). I’m very inspired by you & I would like to have just a tiny bit of your resilience! I’m thinking of you!

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  2. Your mind is not a species all to itself. You have control of it. I know it’s hard as hell, but don’t water the bad seeds. Cut them off and do not let them grow. Just wondering if the entrance of your ex wife hasn’t had you off track. Just take a day off in your mind and try to find peace. No mind. Once you have cleared the cache, decide carefully what you will allow to grow in thought. Sometimes I have to step away from any and all stimulation – social media, blogging, television, and even reading. Just be. Also, I have found my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, has always been available to hear my prayer. He doesn’t freely give material blessings, but because I am His and He is mine, I have all manner of spiritual blessings I can claim if I will. Peace of mind being one of them. Joy in all circumstances being another. I talk like I have attained all this. Some days I get it and apply it and those are the good days. Some times I rebel against all that I know I SHOULD do. Who knows why. Chin up. This is a season of your life. It will be part of your past soon enough.

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      1. Oh ok. Then it is definitely new. I don’t want to get all preachery on you or anything but prayer does help 🙂 I use it almost as meditation. I learn a lot about myself while I am talking to my God.

        But I have to believe that a person who seems as motivated as you are, as positive as you are WILL find a way to get out of this funk.

        Not sure if it makes you feel any better but every one gets pissed off once in a while.

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  3. This is my go to mantra when things don’t work out for me, I keep chanting this poem. The poem is called ‘Invictus – William Earnest Henley.’ At 12 William suffered from tuberculosis of the bone that resulted in the amputation of his left leg below the knee. He risked losing the other leg too. It was in such a scenario he wrote this poem which gave him a lot of strength. During his imprinsonment Nelson Mandela too gained strenght from this poem.

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.
    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.
    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll.
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

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  4. breathe out, breathe in.
    breathe out the doubt and fear, breathe out the muddled thinking that let you sink so deep.
    breathe in the progress you’ve made, the awareness you have, the spark in you that kept you from going completely under is still lit. all that you’ve accomplished came from you, focus on that.

    Liked by 1 person

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