Better Sit Down

26 comments

a life extinguished on justruminating men's blogSo now you’re feeling sorry
for yourself? Your pain and
anguish gnawing at you?
Just because to start you
ended up the object of
another’s twisted fantasy
and there were four of you
but then Gloria asphyxiated
you have no claim to sorrow
you were one for God’s sake
and the playground
beat you down
and you drowned and drowned
and choked on loneliness
and fear and pain.

Just because belts flew
freely and love and affection
lived at someone else’s house
and entire summers were
dedicated to you being
locked away forgotten faded
from view and the sled that
your brother John was
killed on so what it was on
Christmas? Would you have
picked Easter for dying?
No one cares that you saw
that you were there
your mother held you so
tight and so lovelessly.

How many homes did
it take to teach you loss?
You didn’t expect Juvenile
Halls to echo with laughter
did you? How much weed helped
you breath? How did all
the weather feel while you
searched for another hallway
to rest your 18 years in?

Did you really think that the
bottle would be your friend
as you stumbled through college
dorms city streets bars and
nightclubs year after anguished year
searching for the bosom that
would set you free? So what love
eviscerated you at 21 nearly
killing you join the club you
were weak and pathetic. All that
poetry and nothing to show for
it. One abortion was too many
200 women too few.

How did it feel to end your
military career in shame?
At ease no one cares poor you
to lose a child to destroy a
marriage to lose your kids
to devolve into booze and drugs
and suicide attempts and ideations
the psych drugs should have
completed your mind fuck and
just because you’ve worked
at over 60 jobs doesn’t mean you
are smarter than anyone, everyone
book smart life dumb right?

Keep fighting, keep swinging
keep the bitterness at bay
just because he didn’t tell
you your mother died until
after she was cremated
doesn’t mean you have a
copyright to rage a claim
to pity. No, go tell it
on the mountain because
you are just like
everyone else get over it.

And then SHE came along
and then SHE made you pay for
all your sins didn’t she?
SHE came to break you to
strip the last remnant of
a delusional life from your
tortured mind the last
vestige of hope from your
bones chewed you up, spit you
out all those pills should
have completed the job she
watched you do it anyway
how you didn’t die
from that surely only Dante
knows go ahead and ask him.

So now what?  Gonna lie
down, curl up, go cry in
the corner about how your
life has passed you by how
lonely you still are 52
lame ass years later? What
are you going to do
now crybaby?  Take your shitty
life and screw.  I’m
done with you.

26 comments on “Better Sit Down”

  1. I’m glad I read this some time after reading lots of your later posts. It tells me a lot of the backstory and pulls everything together. Must have been very difficult to write and even more difficult to read afterwards. Well done Rob for successfully coming through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Poems, I used to like them back in highschool, four years since then I started loosing interest on them but your poems are so lovely that I have started enjoying them! Exallent one Rop!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Whoa, little harsh on yourself but aren’t we all. I have been so bitter for so long that the only thing (well 1 reason) that stopped me from suicide is what if nobody cared?? then they really won, and also just in case there is a remote possibility that there is an afterlife that I can be punished again for my actions I REFUSE to be punished anymore …lol so I decided to change me ….because the world is not going to change or apologize

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. I’m not surprised you took a long nap! The brutality breaks my heart. I’m sad you’ve had so much pain. But really glad you are bleeding it in a healthier way now. Here’s hoping it truly is the catharsis you need!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We are capable of great brutality towards ourselves. It is easier to cut ourselves with our own words than to treat ourselves with kindness and forgiveness. I have some experience with with those days when we give ourselves 100 paper cuts and then pour lemon juice on them. Sometimes it is cathartic. Sometimes it just fucking hurts!

        Liked by 2 people

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