My Recovery: The Damn Door!
It’s been another horrible morning. For those of you who don’t know, I am currently in my 5th week of an Inpatient VA Alcohol Recovery Program. My first such program. Things had been going along fairly swimmingly until yesterday, and continuing on into today.
In summary, apparently there are several Veterans who think I have been slamming the door to the smoke shack closed on purpose. Yup, serious fucking business. The damn door is broken! You barely touch it and it slams, making a horrible metal slamming.
Apparently I haven’t been mindful enough to ease it closed each and every time I have left. I mean seriously? We’re recovering from life threatening addictions, and you’re fucking worried about a door?
Anyway, one of the Veterans approached me at the beginning of Group yesterday, in a disrespectful and threatening manner–about closing the damn door properly! He was rude, obnoxious, threatening. I didn’t appreciate it, had had run ins with him before over stupid shit (one of which is that he was constantly annoyed that I was on the computer all day. Bleeding my recovery out with like-minded folks through sharing and poetry, growing a love with my warriorgoddess (and not on Facebook wasting my life…like he did for hours on end. He even showed me a naked pic of his 22 year old girlfriend–he’s 52. What a fucking turd…anyway).
Well, last night he ended up getting tossed because of his threats. Now this morning, in Community Meeting, people were “processing” this staggering loss of a self-righteous, emotional vampire, and only seemed to be focused on the fucking door slamming. Several stating that I was being purposefully disrespectful, malicious.
I mean, for real? Sorry, I have life changing shit happening to me minute by minute, forgive me if I sometimes forget to close the door gently. No one gave a shit that I was accosted by an ignorant fuck who threatened me and my sobriety with his actions. No one cared that it activated my PTSD. Now I am the goat here. Lovely, just what I need in my life right now.
Then, just now in my Relapse Prevention Group, several more Veterans lashed out at me saying I am lying and full of shit when it comes to the door. Am I losing my mind? I mean, seriously, none of them could give a shit about what happened to me. They obviously don’t like me, for whatever reasons. Here’s maybe why:
- I don’t sit around talking about all the programs I’ve been through, talking shit about the people I’ve met there.
- I don’t rot in front of the tv all night.
- I am always talking about how I am developing my own Wellness Umbrella when I am asked what I am doing to stay sober.
- I don’t interact with them that much.
- I am always on the computer–even though if they asked, I would simply give up the spot until later.
Well go ahead and just shoot me. I know one of my biggest problems in life is that I don’t make friends easily. I understand where they might get the idea that I am not “involved” in the process. I’m not sociable. But, then again, it’s nothing personal! I am maintaining my sobriety my damn way! And, while I have not been critical of how they are staying sober (most don’t work out, take walks, write, eat well, etc), many of them seem fixated on what I’m doing.
What gives? I know this is a community, but I really am not interested in making friends with most of them. I am respectful, and keep to my own business. I rarely approach unless approached. That’s probably not a good thing, being that it has been a problem all my life. But you know, I’m not creating disturbances in others’ lives either. It’s not that I am isolating, I just don’t particularly want to associate with people who are on their 5th, 10th, 15th attempts at sobriety! I’ve got a major problem identifying with them; digesting their “words of wisdom.”
Look dudes, you’re not getting it! Stop doing drugs and alcohol, it will kill you. Christ…I’m having trouble taking your advice; listening to your stories. I think for many of them, treatment is a fucking way of life. Now, perhaps this is not “Right Minded Thinking'” but seriously? Get off my shit! Some of you are probably thinking this is not the best way to create healthy co-existence, but I’m not an expert on this stuff! That’s why I became an alcoholic for God’s sake!
To add to all this, I have lost who I truly considered my ONE TRUE LOVE, that I ever met in my lives. Not 15 minutes after the threatening incident. My heart is broken, my spirit is sad. I ache for her every minute. I just can’t seem to accept that she really is gone. I honestly thought she was it. I really have never been thinking about that stupid fucking door. Anyway…
So, yeah, I’m not really receptive to thier conspiracy theories about the fucking Smoke Shack Door. Call out the CIA, FBI, DEA. There’s something going on in that head of Rob’s. He’s out to disturb all the smokers. He’s got an ulterior motive, we just know it! That scoundrel.
For fuck sake…I am so dejected right now. And here I am, on the computer again, processing it in a healthy way; instead of involving myself in meaningless, childish minutia. No one, nothing will fuck my sobriety up! Sorry for the harsh language, but that’s where I’m at right now. And now, I will release it into the void. And now, which is the damn reason I am always on the computer, I have processed it and put myself back in a good place. Please close the door gently on your way out…
Fuck you Facebook.